geanniegray.com

a blog about life with diabetes, depression & dysfunction & how to manage them with HOPE!

Category: making progress


update on the latest “brand new”…


Just wanted to pop on really quick and share that we are really LOVING these new groups. (if you don’t know what “groups” I’m talking about, click “new groups” and find out!)  We’ve had our first meeting at church and it was just great.
The staff worked withRead More »


you wouldn’t believe me if I told you…


Well, hello there & happy new year! (why yes, it IS January 26th! I’ve been busy, okay?)

Where to start…the Christmas season was great. We stayed home this year instead ofRead More »


30 whole years!


Okay y’all… you’ll have to extend some grace here.  I had my 30th wedding anniversary last week and I’m just now posting about it!

weddingtoast

Yes, we were just babies in 1985.

There have been times, over the years, that it wouldn’t have taken much for either of us to just walk away.  It’s been hard at times.  There have also been amazing, awesome, wonderful times, of course.  But those storms when it seems there’s no chance of escaping in one piece can shake you to the core.

But God…  If not for having Him in our lives and in our marriage, we surely would not have made it for thirty years.  Of course, we can do nothing on our own, but we like to think we can.  We so easily forget that it’s only by the will of God that we even breathe let alone move, think, walk and talk.

I’m so thankful that He intervened so many times in our marriage.  I have always felt really glad that both Hubby and I had intact families (neither of our parental units have divorced) and have two examples of half-century marriages to look to, although… *giggle* our marriage looks nothing like either of theirs.

And we don’t want it to!  We exchange knowing looks of agreement when either set of our parents are doing something we find annoying and we’ll laugh or commiserate later that we’re SO glad we don’t “___whatever___” like they do.  I’m sure our kids have the same feelings about us and I guess that’s how life is.

We make our own lives and our own favorite ways of being a couple.

Speaking of the kids, July has become Anniversary Month around here.  Our oldest son and his wife

wedding-victory

wedding-smiles

celebrated seven years of marriage the week before our 30th anniversary, after which our youngest son & his wife

victory

Casey-Taylor-bw-reception

had their first-ever anniversary!  Yep, all within three weeks.

I’m not sure how that happened, but I think it’s kinda cool.  And convenient too in that none of us can quite forget any of the others’ anniversaries.  Ha ha!

I have to admit…I was feeling pretty bummed that we didn’t have any kind of “real” celebration for our 30th though.  I mean, that’s supposed to be some kind of milestone, isn’t it?  I sure don’t know many couples our age who have been married even half this long.  I remember having “dreams” if you will, of being able to take a cruise for our 25th anniversary, but that didn’t happen.  Not for lack of wanting on either of our parts, but for lack of funds?  You betcha.  So five years ago, we plunked down a chunk on a room for the night way high on this mountain, and it was awesome.

It just would have been more awesome if I hadn’t worried about money the whole time.  *sigh*  And here we were five years later, and once again, absolutely no funds for any kind of get-away or even a room for the night somewhere.

I was getting really bummed.  We talked about maybe going to do the Virginia Creeper trail, which is a cycling thing, and that would have been great, but the drive was so long that we’d have been killed to have driven there, ride the trail and then drive back home in one day, so we didn’t even attempt it rather than go and not enjoy it.

After having to replace our air conditioner system (lighting hit it) and then just the week before our anniversary, our water heater broke, saturating the carpet in our bedroom and adding another big expense we couldn’t afford… we just didn’t have any extra money for anything big.

I had spent the week being really sad over it to the point I just didn’t want to do anything.  However, the day arrived, a Sunday, and my best friend from high school, who I hadn’t seen in probably 10 or more years, who has recently moved back here with her newly-adopted TWO YEAR OLD son!!!  She was coming to our church and wanted to see if we could meet and at least sit together.  Of all days for this to happen, on our 30th anniversary had to be a “God thing” because this sweet lady was my one and only “bridal party”..my maid of honor!!!  How cool is that??

So, we got to meet her adorable little guy, visit for a bit, then we took off.  We’d gotten a coupon for a free appetizer at a restaurant we like, but there’s not one near us, so before I even knew what he was doing, Hubby was on the interstate and all he’d say was we were going to eat.

We drove 100 miles away, found the restaurant and had a great meal.  By this time, God had worked on my sour attitude and I was just enjoying time with my husband of 30 whole years.  I began to think about how hard-working and caring he is.  How he’s encouraged me to try harder and do more than I ever would have attempted myself.

30yrstogether2

Later, we stopped in a couple of surplus home goods stores and bought a few little items, found a gorgeous duvet cover with shams for our king size bed for just $18!!  Then we walked through the other place, that was more for builders I guess.. it had furniture and decor and we saw some gorgeous items that gave us some inspirations for future improvements on the house.

Then we went to a couple of health food stores and he helped me pick out meals for the coming week.  His request, saying “since it’s our anniversary”… LOL! is for me to start eating better.

*sigh*

Well, okay.  So, we ended the day at Whole Foods, where we ate a slice of “wholesome” pizza and drank his ever bottle of kombucha tea (which I’ve been thinking about attempting to brew myself)kombucha-WF

and then stopped at the Walmart at home to pick up some batteries we needed and I bought us a selfie stick.  See?

selfiestick

This is the photo I sent to the kids showing them how techno-savvy their parents are.  HAHAHA!!

And so, our 30th anniversary came and went and left me with a sense of satisfaction.  I am sad that I’ve wasted so many years being dissatisfied with things, life, people, myself… but I am doing my best to change things now.

And I’m looking forward to reaching our 50th anniversary and yes, still hoping we might have a bit bigger celebration by that time.  But if not, I know that’ll be okay too.

We have each other and we’re happy.  That’s enough.

Philippians 4:11-12Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.”


report on the second visit…


I went back to the pelvic health therapist again yesterday.  We did the biofeedback, which was very informative and surprising.  I was honestly expecting to find that my muscles were super-tight, perpetually stressed.

Turns out, according to the results, my “stuff” isn’t extremely tight after all.  I do seem to have weak muscles, as a matter of fact.  Which either created or resulted from poor muscle control.  It was, like I said, informative and surprising, but also strange/weird.  Ha ha…  She had me tense my pelvic floor muscles for a few seconds, up to a minute, then relax.  The biofeedback showed that my contractions were pretty weak, but that, contrary to what we expected, the muscles actually do relax after instead of steadily increasing in tension.

That’s so totally opposite of what my symptoms seem to point to… that my muscles were overly tight and unable to relax.  I guess that leads to realizing that the problem is more due to the scar tissue and the trauma of the pain and conditioning over the years to tighten in response.

*sigh*  I was kinda hoping this would be more physical than that, and be something we could “exercise” (HAHA!) out of me instead of having to retrain my mind.  Muscles, I believe, are much MUCH easier to retrain than a brain.

Hubby was able to go with me this time, which was good.  I wasn’t feeling really great about driving up there by myself.  He ordered himself some shoes last week and we had hoped they would be there for us to pick up yesterday.  But of course, they weren’t in and we are leaving for Nashville after church Sunday.  He really wanted to have them in time to wear at his conference.  If they come in before Sunday, we may end up driving up there (in the opposite direction of our destination) to get them, THEN drive down to Nashville, which is a 3 1/2-hour drive anyway!  Ugh.

I’m working on getting laundry done and attempting to get the house in a teeny bit better shape before we go.  I swear, it’s so horrible now.  Just stuff… papers and little things scattered all over.  I made a stab at it Sunday afternoon and cleared, or at least organized, all the papers piled up on the bar.  It’s still a mess since when Hubby got up from napping, he insisted we go out and get some landscaping done.  He had picked up a truckload of gravel for the three trees in the back yard, so he pulled all the weeds out, pulled up the filter fabric and de-rooted it then we replaced the fabric and shoveled the rocks around the trees.  That was encouraging, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to do.  He had done a great service/tune-up job on our old (a 1976 model!) John Deere lawn tractor, replacing the blades, belts and changing oil and other fluids.  When he mowed last week, it was SO evident all the work he’d done on it because the yard looked better than it has in ages!  Even and smooth.  Now with some of the landscaping refreshed in the back, I am getting encouraged to keep it going, get the house in shape, get the rest of the landscaping cleaned up (the areas right next to the house are a mess!) and get busy with some cookouts and get-togethers with lots of fun, friends and family.

I’ll close this post out before I ramble into yet another topic.  But I’ll add this… it is extremely evident that the worst of the depression has been dealt with.  Whether it’s the higher dose of Wellbutrin or just that I’m beginning to get healthier, but although I won’t say I’m “great”, I am definitely better.  A lot better.

For that, I am extremely, immensely grateful.

Proverbs 3:5-8

“5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes;
    fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your flesh
    and refreshment to your bones.”


go me!


I am SO pumped, y’all! The past two days, I’ve put my sorry butt on the trainer and pounded out 8 miles each day on my bike. When I did it yesterday, I checked my blood pressure about an hour later and it was better than it’s been EVER while off my BP meds!!

PRAISE GOD!! I am SO thrilled that perhaps there IS a way to avoid those nasty, cough-inducing, make-me-choke medicines and still keep my blood pressure good! Honestly, if you haven’t read the last few posts, you don’t know how much this has worried me. The higher blood pressure was affecting my eyes, is bad for my kidneys… just really bad for me all around. Every time they put me on a new BP med, I would start with the coughing and wheezing again and every time I went off the meds, my BP would shoot up above the recommended 140/90. Yesterday, it was 156/85 and today it is 149/92. I know, I know… still a bit above what the doctor wants, but WAY better than it had been running!

I’m so tickled I could jump for joy! Only, I won’t because I’m kinda tired after my trainer session. Ha ha!

In other related news, we sent for a return number to send my bike computer to be repaired. Remember? Hubby got me one off eBay that has a cracked screen, but the computer works. Turns out, it’s still in warranty, but the warranty doesn’t cover the screen damage. That just tells us that the computer is fairly new and as I’d said, the repair will be about $90. For a computer like this, with GPS, speed/distance/cadence/grade/a-buncha-other-stuff capabilities, you can analyze the crap outta your rides and we also just ordered me a heart rate monitor that displays on the computer in real time, so you can stay in your “zone” the whole time (IF you can, that is! Ha ha!) So even including the price paid for the broken unit, we still end up with a great price for this computer. And I know it might sound like a frivolous extra, but it really helps you keep riding, keep pushing, when you can see how you’re doing, how far you’ve gone, what your cadence is and all that. It’s very motivating.

I’m so hopeful that with this proof that riding will help my blood pressure, I’ll be more apt to keep it up and in the process lose some weight and end up a healthier, happier gal. I’m secretly setting a goal to be in much better shape before I turn 50. I haven’t set any concrete goals, but generally, I’d love to lose a ton more weight, like at least 50 pounds. I would be thrilled beyond my wildest dreams if I could get that much weight off.

But in my mind, that sounds impossible. But I’m looking for and clinging to hope. I am praying for the determination and dedication to stick with this. To learn, in the process, how to set and stick to goals and carry out good, healthy plans.

Maybe get a little more disciplined in the process?? That one is a stretch for this completely undisciplined gal, but here’s hoping.

Hebrews 11:1“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”


a better day…


Thank God, today has been better than yesterday. I guess that’s the way hope works, huh?

Hubby is at work again. His back hurt him more than anything this morning, which is common for him when he lays around too much. So he got up and took a hot bath and was ready to go in record time. He gave me a heads up for lunch, so I met him for Mexican and then went to pay a bill and pick up a few things for Baby Son’s birthday, which is today!

I can’t quite believe he’s twenty-two years old! It’s amazing how time just warps when it comes to your kids growing up. It honestly seems like yesterday he was wobbling all over the house, squealing and turning every knob he could get his hands on. He used to do this thing where he’d “rare” back and let go with this ear-splitting screech of a noise! It seemed to thrill him to get such a strong reaction from everyone. He was also forever trying to take things apart, so knobs and buttons and anything else that moved was at risk from him. He liked to know how things worked. As he grew, he still wanted to know how things worked, but he became very adept at putting them right back together. Now he likes to drive, (sometimes like a maniac, which ages his mother relentlessly) and service his own vehicles, which he trades often too. He’s owned more vehicles in his short licensed-driver life than his dad and I have our whole lives, I think! He can operate heavy equipment and figure out how to fix things. He’s an amazing young man and I’m so proud of him!

Being such a self-reliant and resourceful fella makes him impossible to buy gifts for, so I went today and bought him a kite and a bag of special edition Skittles. He always loved to fly kites when we got the opportunity. He has the perfect spot for it up on the hill where he lives and of course, no self-respecting 22-year-old is going to buy himself a kite, no matter how much he might want to fly one. So his mama bought him one. I pray he’ll like it at least a little and not think it’s totally stupid. He’s so distant and avoids us these days, so it’s even harder to know how he’ll react to something.

Psalm 127:3“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.”


that just happened–again


Yup.  Behold:

biker-knees

this is what happens when you don’t know how to use clip-ins… although I’m told it happens to the best of them #argh

So…went without my Hubby on a bike right with some people from the cycling club.  This was kinda big for me because I don’t normally go riding without Hubby or at least my son.  I dunno why except that’s just normally what we do… we go riding together.  Only he’s training to do this crazy century ride (that’s 100 miles… on a bicycle, folks!)  See?  Crazy!!  But he’s determined to do it and I admire his determination, but it makes it harder for us to ride together.  I mean, there ain’t no way this fat girl is gonna make it for the 50-70+ mile rides they are doing to train for this! I’m thankful he has a couple of good people to ride with…they are actually planning to do the actual ride together.  Both of the other people have done centuries before, and they are such great encouragement to him. But yeah, so I went after talking to another girl who hasn’t gotten to ride a ton this year like me and even though she’s probably a stronger rider, she seemed glad to hang back with me.  There was a fairly big group that showed up, including the couple that are most active with the club.  He is also a very strong rider and she is actually too, but she’s not nearly as competitive as her husband. The young girl who rode with me today was a great encouragement.  I just HATE feeling like I’m holding people up.  Ab-so-LUTEly hate it!  But they are always gracious and sweet.  Maybe one day I will be able to keep up.

Honestly I think part of my problem is my bike.  It’s not anything like what most of the other riders have.  It’s heavier and it’s not really designed for the type of rides we are doing.  Hubbs has modified it some to make it work better, but it’s just not designed for these kinda rides. We have looked at getting a different bike from the local bike shop.  When Hubby bought me this bike, it was the best fitting bike that wasn’t super-expensive but capable enough to just see if I would enjoy riding or not.

He’s found this place in Seattle that custom builds bikes.   Yes, Seattle, Washington.  He even called them and talked to an awesome, knowledgeable guy named Smiley who was super-helpful.  They can build the entire bike or just the frame although the cost difference makes more sense to just have them put the whole thing together.  They have some kind of computerized jig to fit your bike before they start the build.  Thus, even though you CAN do your own measurements and they’ll build you a bike, it’s better, obviously, to go and let them fit you on their jig-thingie.  *sigh*

I have no clue how we could ever afford the bike, which will cost at least 2k, let alone the trip out there.  A 40-hour drive!  But Hubby is determined that we are going to do this.  Once we determined that yeah, I do enjoy riding quite a bit and now realize that my bike is making that not as enjoyable as it could be, we have started trying to remedy that.  However, most companies just don’t really specialize in short-people bikes.  The brand we’ve been looking at in our local shop doesn’t even make one small enough for me, so we had been looking at one a full two centimeters too large.  Granted, that doesn’t sound like much, but you spend 20-some miles on a bike and you will know that it doesn’t fit you right.  You should have an inch of stand-over gap… distance between your crotch and the top bar but the smallest bike they can get from this company has me touching the bar, so yeah.. it’s just not the right size.

Could I ride the bike?  Yes.  Would it be the best option for me in the long run?  No, not really.  However, I am torn now realizing how much my current bike is limiting me… just the fact that its heavier, the components are not as quality thus they don’t work as well… I am left exerting a lot more effort to climb hills and things like that than I would be with a better bike.

Given that a Rodriguez bike would not be much more than we’d be giving for the bike that doesn’t really fit from our local shop, it’d be kind of crazy for us to settle… if you leave out the cost of actually going to Seattle, that is.

And so now I’m a little perturbed at the thought of having to “put up with” my current bike until we can/IF we can ever actually get a custom bike for me.  It makes it hard to want to ride, ya know?

I am TRYING not to be too excited about the possibility of getting a bike that would fit me because I just can’t see it happening or at least not for a very long time.  And I’m trying not to think of how much better I might ride if I had a better bike… ugh.  Hubby’s talking about selling our four-wheeler, which granted, we don’t use a whole lot, but it comes in handy when we need it.  I’m torn about selling it, but really, it’s all we have that’s worth much at all and if we got what it’s worth, it would almost pay for the bike.  *sigh*

I gotta stop thinking about this.  It’s driving me crazy.  We are supposed to go riding, a much shorter, easier ride with the group Monday evening.  I am dreading the thoughts of dealing with those clips again.  They have created such a nasty mind-game with me… and I’m not good with those.  I just can’t quite make myself try them again. … and I’m almost certain I won’t attempt to do the Redbud Ride with them since I won’t have Hubby with me.  My son is talking about doing the ride and I MIGHT consider it if he goes, but otherwise, I just do NOT want to have to deal with those things.  They keep me so distracted worrying that I’m going to fall and not be able to unclip that I can’t half-way enjoy the ride.  GAH!!

Okay, shutting up now.  I hope one of these days this kind of crap won’t even occur to me.  That I can just think, “Yay!  I’m gonna go riding today” and just enjoy the heck out of it, ya know?

Philippians 4:11Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.”


I like to ride my bicycle…


Seriously, I do.  But man, getting ready to do that can be irritating and frustrating, ya know?

I mean, it’s not like when we were kids… just put on your sneaks and go!  Back when I was a youngun’, there were no helmets, no reflectors, no super-crazy safety concerns… I remember more than once getting my flare-legged pants hung in my chain and having to run pantsless to the house in immortal fear that someone on our rural gravel road would see me running across the yard in my bloomers.  BAHAHA!

if you change the pretty blonde for brown stringy hair and remove the helmet and make the bike less "cool", this is me...

if you change the pretty blonde for brown stringy hair and remove the helmet and make the bike less “cool”, this is me…

So now it’s more embarrassing to be seen before you get on the bike what with the garb required to ride for miles and miles and still be comfortable.  The padded spandex cycling shorts, the funky clip shoes that make you walk funny, the sweatbands and helmets,… distance cycling is NOT in any way connected to fashion, okay?

Observe:

winterroadie

Anatomy of basic cycling garb

Ugly clothing, especially spandex! will usually look better if you are not a big gal like me, so add some flab to these gals to get just a taste of how bad this stuff looks with me in it....

Ugly clothing, especially spandex! will usually look better if you are not a big gal like me, so add some flab to these gals to get just a taste of how bad this stuff looks with me in it….

And so, you can see how cycling is not really about fashion.  Haha!!  Although I would LOVE to have me one of these if they weren’t so expensive…

Cutest women's cycling jersey ever!

Cutest women’s cycling jersey ever!

Maybe when I lose weight, I’ll splurge on that baby to celebrate.  Ha!

The good thing is that nobody else notices how weird you look because they look at least mostly as weird as you do, so there’s that.  Then there’s the crazy nutritional aspects of cycling and staying healthy…we “do” Gu  usually…

pronounced "goo" and yummier than you'd think...

pronounced “goo” and yummier than you’d think…

especially for long rides, pre-fueling nutrition & during-ride food is extremely important...

especially for long rides, pre-fueling nutrition & during-ride food is extremely important…

When Hubby got into biking, I never dreamed that we would be accumulating this kind of equipment or worrying about nutrition the way we are.  But then again, he doesn’t really “piddle” when he gets into a hobby.  *sigh*  That’s great in ways, but after hunting, fishing, go-kart racing and such, and spending thousands of dollars, it can be scary for me when he gets obsessed with something.

I’m thankful that at last it’s something that we can do together and will actually make us healthier.

1 Corinthians 13:12- For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”


good news all around so far…


Well, our overnight in Lexington went smoothly if you don’t count the almost-three hours we spent in The Apple Store trying to back up Hubby’s phone so they could replace it.  Sheesh!

We picked up his records without any problems then  headed over there.  My sugar got low on the walk in so we stopped and bought a cup of these pretzel bites and a regular soda.  An hour later, I was at 325.  GAH!!  I corrected for that and continued to sit on that uncomfy stool while his laptop refused to cooperate for the backup since he didn’t have iCloud backups setup and they felt it would be quicker to just backup to his computer given the slow wifi.  He told me to go do something else, but I really don’t even like the mall, let alone going to look knowing full well we don’t have any money, ya know?  I am NOT really a window shopper.  Heh.

So anyhow, we did have to drive around awhile looking for a motel.  We almost booked one with Trivago and then, when Hubby asked the poor receptionist at the office where we picked up his records, she says, “Well, I will tell you where NOT to stay…” and proceeded to name that motel, saying it had been burgled several times recently!  Sheesh!!

We unloaded at a Microtel, which was clean, but tiny!  I guess the “micro” part is entirely true, eh?  I haven’t stayed in a lot of places, so I had no clue that’s what it actually meant!  LOL!  Anyhow, we then went to get a bite to eat.  Had an amazing steak and I called Mom as we headed back to the motel to see how she was doing with Max.

I was SO afraid he would be just “too much” for her, since she doesn’t have any inside animals, but apparently they had become big buddies.  We talked about him for close to ten full minutes, her telling me all this stuff he was doing.  It sounded as if she planned to just “stay up” with him in the living room, since he had kinda claimed that as his.  *shaking my head*  I felt much relieved to know she wasn’t exasperated with him.

So next morning, we got to the Endoscopy place with time to spare, they took him right on back and it was really an awesome experience.  The nurses were all amazing and I actually talked to a  young lady who had been on an Emmaus walk with our community last year, so that was cool.  I had given a talk on that one, so she remembered me.

They decided since Hubby had been a little combative the last time they did this procedure to give him some “narcotics” this time.  He was SO concerned about that that when he came back out, all he could ask was if he was good and “Did I fight ’em?”  LOL!  He asked that as one sweet, older nurse was right at his side and her face was priceless.  I laughed so hard!  He was sound asleep when they first brought him out and I really thought he’d be out for awhile.  I’d just watched a little guy across the hall snooze for a good half hour after his procedure, but Hubby was fairly awake, although very groggy, in just a couple minutes.  We were dressed and out of there in about another half hour.  They said it all went fine, he was “good” the nurses assured me and asked that I tell him, and no sign of cancer.  When his regular doctor mentioned that, Hubby had been worried about it ever since, so that was an answered prayer.  They said he did have a fibrous “constricture” that they dilated, he does have a small hiatal hernia, which Hubby had told them from the beginning (when regular doc said, no it was an ulcer) and some gastritis, which is just inflamed, irritated stomach. They took about 8 biopsies from different areas just to check for things like celiac and H Pyori, so we will hear from those in the next few days.  They said most of the damage was likely due to years of high-dose NSAIDs for years to treat his feet/leg pain.  I’m not sure what we will be able to do to treat that now.  *sigh*   They told him to eat soft foods and take it easy the rest of the day.

He was pretty sleepy and a little uncomfy all the way home, but once we got home, he got on the phone with this place in Seattle he’s found that builds custom bikes.  He’s bound and determined that we get me a bike that actually fits me instead of settling for the one the bike shop guy uptown wants to sell us.  I don’t see how we could ever afford it, but he’s determined.  Anyhow, after he got off the phone with them, he was super excited about it and soon started talking about meeting up with the bike club people to go on the ride that evening.

It wasn’t going to be one of those “killer” rides like he had just done Sunday (60+ miles!!) so he felt it was perfectly within his “limitations”…  Next thing I knew he was loading up the bikes and rushing me to get ready!  And so it was that we did a 19 mile ride on the same day the man had a procedure done with anesthesia!  He’s crazy, I tell you!

Tommy, cycling

My crazy biker dude…

I wasn’t sure I could make it all the way after the first couple miles, but as usual, I kept telling myself just a little further til we got to the turn-around point.  Once there, he put the one computer we have on my bike and gave me the heart monitor so I could see my progress.  The computer tells you MPH, heart rate, cadence (rotations per minute) and a bunch of other stuff and it was surprisingly encouraging to have that info.  I made the return trip in much less time than going out.  He has bought anther computer with a cracked screen with the intent to fix it for me, so I’m hoping we can get that fixed soon.  I would probably do a lot better or at least be more encouraged to keep at it with that info at my disposal all the time.  Something about knowing how hard you are pushing makes you want to keep at it and keeps me from feeling like giving up.  Psychology.  Pshh!  LOL!

So that was our crazy few days.  My sugar got low early this morning, around 5 am, I woke up sweaty.  I didn’t get up and check it because I was just too stinking tired, but after a few minutes and not feeling any better, I ate a couple of lifesavers and tried to go back to sleep.  I never slept very good after that, so when Hubby got up for work, I got myself a granola bar and laid back down.  I do my hardest, best sleeping in the early morning hours, so when I get “interrupted” during that time, I am wiped out as if I didn’t sleep good all night.  So I slept til about 9:30.  I’m up now, and sitting here doing this, but not super-sore or anything, so that is also encouraging!

However, I DO need to get my butt up and work on this tax crapola.  Praying for a good refund this year… we need it terribly!

Hebrews 12:1 – “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,”


moving forward…


[NOTE::  Originally, this post was entitled “hurt people hurt people…” but I have changed it because it morphed into something different.  And I am thankful for that!]

That is… people who are hurting will hurt others.  That’s the conclusion I’ve come to and of course, we all know this deep inside.  It’s hard, though, to deal with these folks.  We reach out to them in love and they respond by hurting us.  This plays out day after day, a zillion times over.  Everywhere.

My second daughter-in-law (DIL2) is like this with me.   It’s all very complicated and I’m sure it would become majorly twisted if I were to try and explain it all here, so I’m not going to do that.  And I don’t want this to seem like a “bash DIL2” post either.  That’s NOT what I want to do.  I am just trying to sort it all out and make things better.

And that’s a hard task, lemme tell you.

I think DIL2 is so determined to have “overcome” her past, her childhood & the teen years when she was fairly wild, that she tries to come off as loving to EVERYONE, as if that’s how we’re supposed to be if we are followers of Jesus.  But we are still human.  We still mess up, we still don’t get along with everyone.  So pretending that you do is #1- lying, #2 –  gotta be incredibly tiring and frustrating and #3 –  not healthy.

(March 24, 2015)

I used to think she just didn’t understand this aspect of things.  That she just thought that you get saved and you’re supposed to just love everyone.  But it’s been long enough that I think she ought to know that by now.  So maybe it’s just that she’s always been this way…wanting to please everyone she meets and not able to stand it if someone didn’t like her.  That too is an unhealthy view, but I don’t know how to make her see it.  I mean, if EVERYONE likes you that means you are lying to someone, ya know?

If no one ever dislikes you, it means you aren’t standing for anything but bowing to whatever the will or whimsy is of the people you are with…that will automatically lead to lying, even if it’s only to yourself!  Not healthy.

Of course, maybe she IS over it because it doesn’t seem to bother her so much to be at odds with me.  And it’s so hard for me to accept that, but since I don’t know how to fix it, I just have to live with it…which is not exactly the same as acceptance, right?  *sigh*

I do have to admit though, that things are a little better.  She still doesn’t text or call me very often, but talks to Hubby several times a week.  Maybe it’s that I don’t call her?  Probably, but it’s a little hard to do that now after she withdrew and outright avoided me for so long in the winter.  Yes, I should “get over it”, but it’s still very awkward to just call up for no particular reason.  Our face-to-face conversations are still pretty strained and mostly small talk.   The only “deep” subject we have broached is my son’s health and she can be a little defensive about that if I suggest something she’s not on board with, ya know?  But maybe I’m reading into it… It’s just a little hard for me not to these days, but I’m trying.

I do try to text her, which seems to help some.  I’m excited because she’s actually texting me right now about some exciting stuff going on at her work.  Apparently the residents are helping set up for a Big Daddy Weave concert!  And it’s not a group text like usual…it’s just me and her chatting a bit.

Baby steps, right?  ūüėÄ

There WAS a very awesome and random development Sunday afternoon.  Hubby and I got out of the early service at church and went to the grocery store with the intent of getting a couple steaks and some charcoal to grill at home.  By the time we got home, our eldest son called to see if we wanted to meet him and his wife for lunch as they had been on a job all morning (something that could only be done during that time while a production line was down) so we told them we planned to grill and suggested they come over for that.

I’d seen DIL2’s friend at church heading into the second service with Son2, so I figured they would be eating out with her maybe, but Hubby called them anyway.  Turned out they were dropping the friend back in the next town over and they wanted to come eat some grill food too.

It was SO not planned and the house, of course, was a mess, but we had a good time just cooking and eating and then we had all the dogs out too…our little Max (Shi-Tzu/Maltese) and big Samson (chocolate lab), Son1’s Timber (Australian Shepherd) and Son2’s Biscuit (golden retriever).  What a mish-mash of dogs, all running every where trying to keep up with what the others were doing.  They both had brought their dogs’ favorite toys, which kept them all busy for quite some time then someone got out a frisbee and all three of the guys got out in the yard to play with the dogs running back and forth trying to catch the thing when they got a chance.

It was a really nice afternoon and a rare occasion when we had all our kids together.  Hubby and I both were very thankful for it and tried to let the kids know how much it meant to us.

The Kids2 left first saying they had some tax papers they needed to get through before Monday, so Kids1 were left with us, which is more often than not, how it goes.  Besides the fact that they are really the ones who ever even call us to get together or go out.

Now more than ever, I’m really thankful for that.  Like when we went to see Tim Hawkins, that was because of our older kids asking us and that was even to join with their other friends from church.  They make us feel wanted and welcomed for the most part.  And that’s so not how it is with our younger kids.

But maybe that will change soon.  Hopefully with the warmer weather coming on, we can have more cookouts and games in the back yard.

Lord Jesus, please let it be so!!

Psalm 127:3-5Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are thechildren of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.”

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