geanniegray.com

a blog about life with diabetes, depression & dysfunction & how to manage them with HOPE!

creative juices and such


So, I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to write the book lately.  Yesterday was a good good day!  YESSSS!

my ancient laptop

Yes. I’m working with an ancient laptop. Maybe the book would make enough money I could afford a new one? HA!

 

I wrote another 3,000 words yesterday.  I just never realized how hard it would be once I actually sat down to write out the words.  I mean, it’s not like I’m having to develop characters and come up with a decent storyline, right?  This is my life I’m writing about.

But MAN!!  It is much harder than I thought it would be.

My first “block” was trying to figure out the best way to approach the writing.  I mean, like first person, third person…do I use fictitious names?  Do I write as if I were telling the story about someone else then reveal that it’s me?

Then came the nightmare of realizing that if I write it, they might read it. (cue Field of Dreams“if you build it, they will come”) Ha ha.  Meaning my family.  This isn’t a story about some horrid abuse-ravaged childhood.  It’s about a dysfunctional family and who doesn’t have one of those, right? I believe there are no perfect families and even if there IS one, I’m convinced that somewhere inside that family, you will find at least one sort of dysfunction. None of us have the perfect family. In MY mind, saying I come from a dysfunctional family isn’t like throwing down the gauntlet.  It’s not a “dirty word”, but to some in my family, it may very well be. I began to agonize over how different people would take my story if I really told everything I want to tell.  Even though I have/will write in the forward that the book is about the state of past relationships and that healing and restoration has since taken place with assurances that I love my family, yadda, yadda.  I still worried.

Some things have changed since then.  Even more restoration has taken place and so, even though I’m not going to talk to my immediate family (besides my hubby and kids, I mean) about writing this book, I feel like once it’s (ever?) done, I will be able to hand it to them and say, “Read it knowing that I wrote it so that other people might benefit from what I’ve been through.  I wrote it to exorcise my own ghosts and I wrote it to keep my mind from exploding.  I never, EVER wrote a word of it with the intent to hurt anyone.  I wrote what is true.  I wrote what I remember, I wrote how I felt, I wrote how the things that happened changed and shaped me.  I tried to make it very clear throughout that I love my family dearly and I hope you can keep that in mind.”  Then, I’ll hope and pray that certain of them can read it or even think of it without worrying how someone else will think about it or making up grand scenarios of how others will perceive the book.

deep breath

I don’t know if that’s possible, but I’ve gotten to the point where that is much less a deterrent than it was before.

The other thing I’ve run into is how to put it all together.  I mean, there are various health events that take place and I want to share some details of what I went through physically because the bizarre-ness of those things is part of the story, but I also want to tell how I was doing emotionally.  It’s hard to do both at the same time.  That probably doesn’t make sense, but it’s true.

In the end, I’ve decided to just write it the way I do most everything else.  In my own “special” way.  Ha ha.  Most people say they enjoy reading the stories I’ve written and shared over the years.  They say they like the conversational style of my writing, so I’m just going with that.  I’m sure it would be frowned upon by professionals and teachers, but it’s all I know to do at this point.

If you wish to be a writer, write.

Something else I considered in the very beginning was writing my story without much of the uglier details.  The things I feared (and still somewhat fear!) would upset my family the most.

Look, I’ve come to the point where I have shared some extremely intimate details about my marriage with all of cyberspace, surely I can be honest about a fight I had…

I wrestled with that one for a long time but I couldn’t figure out how to tell my story while purposely leaving out important details.  I couldn’t figure out how to explain those details without exposing what really took place.  Those details are all very pertinent to the whole story, so I couldn’t leave them out.

I figured Look, I’ve come to the point where I have shared some extremely intimate details about my marriage with all of cyberspace, surely I can be honest about a fight I had with my sister or mom.  Surely I can tell what really happened in this, what I consider to be more minor, event.  Maybe to them it won’t be as minor.  Like I said, I’m telling it all.  The ugly parts too.  I feel like that should be okay when I am wrapping it all up in the fact that things didn’t stay that way.  Things got better.  Repairs were made, apologies stated, forgiveness received and restoration happened.  Why then, would it not be okay to share why those things were ever necessary?  How do you help people deal with their own dysfunction if you aren’t honest about your own?

Anyway, this is where I stand with the book.  The one I have carried around in my mind for decades.  The one I never told anyone I even wanted to write until recently.  If you have tips or any constructive info that would help, I’d love to hear it.  At this point, I am finally in the space created by learning what Epictetus said from the photo above… if you wanna be a writer, then write!  I’ve heard that from many people, from online book-writing courses, etc.  So I’m writing.  That will probably slow down blog progress even more, but I will come share my progress until something crazy happens that I just have to share here!  grin

If you would like to help me with this, I am looking for some proofreaders!  I don’t know how long it will be before I’m ready to share, but I really do need some people who would be willing to read what I have and share their thoughts with me.  In exchange, you will be publicly thanked in the book.  I’m told that’s a fair compensation.

Hahahaha!  I dunno though.  If you think it’s really bad, you might ask for more!

If you’d like to proofread for me, please send me a message or comment here!

geannie {at} live {dot} com

THANK YOU!!

Blessings…

 

 

 



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