Hey y’all. I’m working so hard, trying to increase traffic here…build an audience, a subscription list, whatever else a successful blogger does. Most of the time, I feel like I’m just flopping around, splashing water into the floor, making a mess.
I see some steadiness in the amount of traffic, so I suspect some of you are just awesomely loyal readers and probably close friends who stop by often to see what crazy thing I’ve posted. I am so thankful for you!
I know I’ve said it before, but this blogging thing is a big deal to me. I started it after months and months of stewing and praying about whether I should even try. I’ve blogged off and on for about 16 years, so it seemed like the natural thing for me to do…try to monetize the thing I am so passionate about. I felt (and still feel, btw) that God was really nudging me in this direction and so, even though I didn’t feel completely ready, I took the plunge. I plopped down what little was left from our tax refund and started this site.
Looking back, a month later now, I see many mistakes. I think most of them are easily overcome though and not the kind that will break me or the blog. I still don’t understand stupid AdSense or why my husband can get an account with them like snap that and me, with my two (now three!) google accounts, can’t get any of them approved. I’m not sure I’m missing much though. I’m learning that AdSense isn’t the end-all-be-all it has been purported to be, so I have pursued other means of generating income through my blog.
Some of them I am pleased about, and some I will be glad when I can be done with. And no, for the record, I haven’t made a single cent so far. That really concerns me, but I have to remind myself how new it all is. I can’t do it all at once and I need to be patient.
But BOY, is that hard!!
Today, when I went to look at a “blogging schedule” thingie I got from the web, for today it says to post about relaxing. BAHAHAHA!! What is that even?!? I don’t have time right now to relax, and certainly not about the state of my blog. Some of these ‘blog helps’ aren’t really geared toward me, ya know? Many of the blogs in these groups are about how to create a successful website, how to find a niche to build, how to monetize and market whatever you are selling.
I just wanna share life with my readers. I want to encourage and inspire. I want my readers to leave feeling better than they did when they pulled up my site. I want them to find the courage to go on, the determination to stick it out. The comfort of knowing they are not alone, the peace of knowing someone else out here has been where they are. I want the person with t1d to find a friend, someone to commiserate with and rejoice in whatever victories we accomplish as PWD’s. (persons with diabetes)
I want the homeschooling mom to know she can do it and I know she can because I did it. I want her to know that the great mistake she feels she’s made is not the end. That she and her children are far better off just because she tried to teach them at home, whether she continues or not. And no matter what, as long as she is trying to do her very best for her kids, she is a winner!
I want that couple who is struggling with some sexual incompatibility or physical problem to know they are not alone. I want them to realize it’s okay to talk about it and that there are people out here who can help, both professionals and people like me who have been there, done that. I want that woman to know she’s not the first or only one to be facing what she is, and that she need not bury herself in depression and self-hatred or guilt because there is hope. I want to keep her and her husband from living the hell that we did for 30 years and to find healing and hope!
More than all this, I want people to know there is hope, no matter what the situation is, there is hope. There is peace to be had, no matter how big the mess or how damaged their soul, Peace is there for the asking in the person of Jesus Christ. I want them to know that it is because of Jesus that I am alive today. That I’m able to share and talk about the issues, struggles and problems in my life. Ultimately, I believe this is the reason God has been urging me to write.
I haven’t touched my book in over 6 months, but perhaps soon I’ll dig back into it. I still feel He is calling me to write it, but I’m at another crossroad about which direction to take with it. (ANY feedback would be appreciated on this, folks!!) The book has lived in my head for many years as a sort-of memoir, a story of my life and how I have dealt with diabetes, the depression and all the other physical and emotional side effects of having a chronic disease for so long. However, as we have come to this place of healing in our marriage, I feel THAT is also a topic that needs to be shared. It, of course, is much more personal, deeply painful but ultimately hopeful since our long journey through this has ended with our beginning the healing process. My conundrum is should these be separate or combined?
You probably didn’t know this, but I have a problem with compartmentalizing. ha ha! Meaning, I can’t do it. You may have noticed I began this post talking about the blog and now, here I am asking for input and suggestions for a direction of a book! I need help with my wandering mind, my rambling style of writing.
I know there are some writers out there who read here occasionally. I also know there are lots of readers who come here too. I want to hear from you! What appeals to you in a book? What topics are you most interested in? What are you most interested in learning more about? Help me out!
I look forward to a great discussion and some awesome feedback and suggestions! Let’s help each other!
So I don’t know what to say. I’m feeling really yucky today. Mostly because tomorrow is payday and our auto insurance hit the bank today, leaving us in the red.
I’m so tired of dealing with money…or rather, the lack thereof. I try so hard to not let money rule my emotions, to not determine if I’m up or down, but when we get in this shape, I feel frozen. It’s like I can’t move, when we need a few groceries but we can’t get them, we need to buy meds or pay a bill, but we can’t. I don’t want to do anything. I start thinking I need to turn off everything in the house, like that’s going to save us money somehow. And it’s not like we are normally loose with money or our resources. I feel horrible when I feel like somehow Hubby doesn’t make enough money. I feel like a terrible person knowing I am not bringing in any money, but only requiring it for all my medical crap. Add to that the way our intimacy issues torture me and I am again undone.
I lost it big time Monday afternoon. I felt so completely useless, worthless and miserable. Usually, no one is around to witness this, but of course, Hubby was home. I’m not sure what he thinks of me now, but he was very gracious and kind to me. Even in his pain, he tried to help me feel better.
Yesterday was so much better. We spent time together and got outside in the sunshine. And now today, he’s gone back to work… not that I was totally in favor of that. He’s probably really pushing it, but he’s not doing anything there that he wasn’t here, at least I hope not. (ha) And hopefully he’s feeling less a victim or less a man, ya know? He feels productive and isn’t worrying about using his sick time and all that.
But here I am, discovering the negative balance at the bank and feeling paralyzed. I’m thanking God that I don’t feel as bad as Monday. Monday? That was a bad mental place for me. Bad.
There’s this good thing we found out early Monday. We will be getting a sizable refund this year. And God knows we needed it desperately. That’s why Hubby was ordering tires for the truck. We’ve needed them for months, so this is a big load off my mind. I was so worried about them that I would avoid driving in the rain. Then there’s my glasses we’ll be able to get, which will be a huge relief! I need them so bad! And some dental work… some I HAVE to get done & possibly some other stuff that needs doing. I don’t know that we’ll have enough money to do that, though. We also need to get Hubby some shoes..some work shoes and some casual ones too. I can’t do that for him because he’s so picky about them. And really, you can’t expect to do great buying shoes for someone else. At least that’s how it is for me. I have to try mine on, but that’ll be around $200 for those. Then we want to get ahead on the house & truck payments, so that’s a big amount of money. We also want to give about $500 to the church to help with the expansion project going on. Not expansion of the building, but for other campuses in the state, and upgrading the media so we can broadcast nationally…it’s exciting and is going to take about 5 million over the next 5-10 years, all while ending up completely debt free. They are asking people to commit to tithing and if you are already a regular tither, they are asking people to prayerfully consider giving above that. This way they know what they can plan to work with money-wise. It’s exciting and we are thankful to be able to give some extra to that because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to. We are behind on our tithing as it is.
Like I said at the beginning of this post, money, rather lack of, is such an awful thing to me. It just makes me feel so helpless and with my depression, it’s not a good thing at all and I don’t know how to make that part any better.
I can work on thinking more positively and getting myself to a better place emotionally, but when it comes to this money stuff, there’s just nothing I can do about it. Which all adds to the feeling of being paralyzed.
It all just sucks. And wow, I know this scripture isn’t really in context, but this so fits me right now…
2 Samuel 17:2 – “I will come upon him while he is weary and discouraged and throw him into a panic, and all the people who are with him will flee. I will strike down only the king,”
I have appointments today with the PA to talk about getting on some meds and then with my therapist again. The roads are mainly clear, but I’ll be driving our “good” truck…the one withOUT four-wheel drive (which wouldn’t matter with ice!), the one that needs new tires, the one we haven’t had out in the snow at all… That makes me nervous, but it probably shouldn’t.
And I’m going by myself. I haven’t really heard from my friend who went with me last time. Just a few short responses to various Facebook posts or online videos, etc… and I asked how she was and wasn’t satisfied with the response I got, and I told her that. I was NOT convinced that she was doing “fine”. I never got a response.
We are also having a gathering with our Emmaus reunion group. This one is going to be open to any lady in Emmaus, so we’re expecting about 30 women, I think. I have to fix food for this, so I have some Dill Pickle Soup already started. Gonna fix some Oreo Fluff when I get back home.
Need to run by the pet store while I’m in Richmond to pick up food for Max and something for the kids. We tried to do that last night, but the pet store was already closed. We went up there to the Japanese place for DIL’s birthday with our other kids and some friends of DIL’s.
Hubby’s having some intestinal issues that I’m afraid might be from a hernia. I told him to call his doctor today.
I had planned to order my Thrive today too, but I can’t. I am so sick of being unable to get the stuff we need. The stuff *I* need to feel better. SO so sick of it.
Oh, and with the rains, our house is stinking again. (something to do with drain pipes crossing septic lines? it’s horrific and disgusting and a nice addition to all the crap I feel right now)
On that note, I guess I’ll head out of here. More on how things go later!!
It’s not major, but guys, I have just tackled a mountain of laundry. I have been doing a little laundry now and then, but the most I have done is get it moved out of the dryer. I haven’t been able to make myself go any farther.
My poor husband has been running around the house naked searching for underwear and socks. He’s been terribly magnanimous about it all. Love his heart, as blunt and non-subtle as he can be sometimes, he’s been trying to overlook my inability to do even the most basic of housekeeping for months…
For anyone who doesn’t struggle with depression, you might not be able to comprehend how huge this is. My loveseat was COVERED, and I mean HEAPING, with clean laundry that had been piled there from various areas… like the kitchen chair, the top of the dryer, the foot of the bed.
Yep, I’m telling you it’s been bad around here for months. So anyway, I have gotten all those clothes folded and stacked & some of them even put away. Lord willing, I might even get them all put away. I have another load going in the washer, so woo-hoo for me!
For your normal functioning person, this seems so trivial and stupid. For anyone who is OCD/super-organized, it’s probably gross, but for anyone who’s ever experienced major depression, this is a gigantic step of progress.
As minor as it may seem to you, I am trying to use this blog to document my progress.
As far as appointments, I go Friday to get the new mammogram to check on this lump. I need to make a trip to town (which I have not been able to bring myself to do yet, but must by tomorrow!) to pick up the films from the scan I had done in December to take to the new place.
I hope this is not a waste, but I also hope it’s nothing. If it IS from a bruise (I jammed the handlebars of my bike into my boob in a fall sometime in October/early November) then it won’t show on a mammogram. I’m not sure what they do from there. I don’t know if they will do another test or of they will just diagnose it as a bruise. ?? We shall see I guess.
My next appointment with the therapist is February 6 and a friend has offered to ride to Richmond with me, so I’m looking forward to spending the day with her. We share depression in common, so she’s been a big supporter and I’m so thankful for her company and prayers.
So, I guess I’ll get myself off here and back to my progress. I hope I might be able to make a little headway in the kitchen as well! Praise God!