Tag: encouragement

of being a blogger: a plea for help!

Hey y’all.  I’m working so hard, trying to increase traffic here…build an audience, a subscription list, whatever else a successful blogger does.  Most of the time, I feel like I’m just flopping around, splashing water into the floor, making a mess.

blogging sites

I see some steadiness in the amount of traffic, so I suspect some of you are just awesomely loyal readers and probably close friends who stop by often to see what crazy thing I’ve posted.  I am so thankful for you!

I know I’ve said it before, but this blogging thing is a big deal to me.  I started it after months and months of stewing and praying about whether I should even try.  I’ve blogged off and on for about 16 years, so it seemed like the natural thing for me to do…try to monetize the thing I am so passionate about.  I felt (and still feel, btw) that God was really nudging me in this direction and so, even though I didn’t feel completely ready, I took the plunge.  I plopped down what little was left from our tax refund and started this site.

Looking back, a month later now, I see many mistakes.  I think most of them are easily overcome though and not the kind that will break me or the blog.  I still don’t understand stupid AdSense or why my husband can get an account with them like snap that and me, with my two (now three!) google accounts, can’t get any of them approved.  I’m not sure I’m missing much though.  I’m learning that AdSense isn’t the end-all-be-all it has been purported to be, so I have pursued other means of generating income through my blog.

blogging for a living

Some of them I am pleased about, and some I will be glad when I can be done with.  And no, for the record, I haven’t made a single cent so far.  That really concerns me, but I have to remind myself how new it all is.  I can’t do it all at once and I need to be patient.

But BOY, is that hard!!

Today, when I went to look at a “blogging schedule” thingie I got from the web, for today it says to post about relaxing.   BAHAHAHA!!  What is that even?!?  I don’t have time right now to relax, and certainly not about the state of my blog.  Some of these ‘blog helps’ aren’t really geared toward me, ya know?  Many of the blogs in these groups are about how to create a successful website, how to find a niche to build, how to monetize and market whatever you are selling.

I just wanna share life with my readers.  I want to encourage and inspire.  I want my readers to leave feeling better than they did when they pulled up my site.  I want them to find the courage to go on, the determination to stick it out.  The comfort of knowing they are not alone, the peace of knowing someone else out here has been where they are.  I want the person with t1d to find a friend, someone to commiserate with and rejoice in whatever victories we accomplish as PWD’s.  (persons with diabetes)

diabetes and depression

I want the homeschooling mom to know she can do it and I know she can because I did it.  I want her to know that the great mistake she feels she’s made is not the end. That she and her children are far better off just because she tried to teach them at home, whether she continues or not.  And no matter what, as long as she is trying to do her very best for her kids, she is a winner!


I want that couple who is struggling with some sexual incompatibility or physical problem to know they are not alone.  I want them to realize it’s okay to talk about it and that there are people out here who can help, both professionals and people like me who have been there, done that.  I want that woman to know she’s not the first or only one to be facing what she is, and that she need not bury herself in depression and self-hatred or guilt because there is hope.  I want to keep her and her husband from living the hell that we did for 30 years and to find healing and hope!

lasting marriage statisticslasting marriage statistics

More than all this, I want people to know there is hope, no matter what the situation is, there is hope.  There is peace to be had, no matter how big the mess or how damaged their soul, Peace is there for the asking in the person of Jesus Christ.  I want them to know that it is because of Jesus that I am alive today.  That I’m able to share and talk about the issues, struggles and problems in my life.  Ultimately, I believe this is the reason God has been urging me to write.

jesus loves me

I haven’t touched my book in over 6 months, but perhaps soon I’ll dig back into it.  I still feel He is calling me to write it, but I’m at another crossroad about which direction to take with it.  (ANY feedback would be appreciated on this, folks!!)  The book has lived in my head for many years as a sort-of memoir, a story of my life and how I have dealt with diabetes, the depression and all the other physical and emotional side effects of having a chronic disease for so long.  However, as we have come to this place of healing in our marriage, I feel THAT is also a topic that needs to be shared.  It, of course, is much more personal, deeply painful but ultimately hopeful since our long journey through this has ended with our beginning the healing process.  My conundrum is should these be separate or combined?

how to write a book

You probably didn’t know this, but I have a problem with compartmentalizing.  ha ha! Meaning, I can’t do it.  You may have noticed I began this post talking about the blog and now, here I am asking for input and suggestions for a direction of a book!  I need help with my wandering mind, my rambling style of writing.

I know there are some writers out there who read here occasionally.  I also know there are lots of readers who come here too.  I want to hear from you!    What appeals to you in a book?  What topics are you most interested in?  What are you most interested in learning more about?  Help me out!

I look forward to a great discussion and some awesome feedback and suggestions!  Let’s help each other!



depression and type 1 diabetes

depression symptoms
Just a quick post to keep this in the forefront for my blog… it’s a sunny Saturday in my part of the world and yet I’m having to force myself outside.  This is the first gorgeous weekend day we have had all year.  So why am I so resistant to go out and enjoy it?
Do I feel all sad and blue?  Not really.  Am I weepy and melancholy?  Nah.  I’m just plain BLAH today.
I recognize this and I realize it’s just one of the many symptoms of my depression.  I know I need to get out, and I actually HAVE to get out (need to pick up scripts at the pharmacy!) so I’m dressed, put my makeup on and fixed my hair.  I’ve made progress already!
And soon I’ll head out to do a few errands.  What I would love to do when I get home is go ride my bike, but I’m having a little problem with that right now.
Don’t laugh… I don’t want to get it out because neither Tommy nor I have ridden the bikes (on trainers in the house) all winter!!  If you want to do rides of 20 or more miles, at least in my case, you don’t need to “let yourself go to pot” and that’s exactly what I feel like we’ve done!
We were both either really busy or sick this winter, and we really didn’t need much en/discouragement to ditch the trainers.  So I’m ambivalent about the bike even though I LOVE riding and have wanted to get on the thing for months now.
Here’s the thing… I’m afraid that if I get on and find out how bad out of shape I am, I’ll get REALLY discouraged and feel even worse about it.  But ya see, I might just surprise myself.  And then again, I might not.
STOP LAUGHING!  You see how I get when I’m a little more depressed than usual?
Ah so… we shall see which part of me wins later.  The Naysayer or the Optimist.
Now that I’ve “said it out loud”, maybe I’ll be even more motivated to just do it!!
I promise to report back in.
Have a gorgeous day, my friends!
Okay, so I got my errands done without getting wiped out.  Thank God for that!  And I DIDN’T make the bike ride, however, I didn’t just flop either.  😉  My intention was to mow our terribly neglected yard, but when I got changed and went out to ask Tommy what the mower needed (oil check, etc?) we discovered that it was out of gas and both gas cans were empty.  Of course… so I headed back to town to fill the cans, came back and let Tommy fill the mower only to then find that SOMEone (who wasn’t me) had left the key on so the battery had run completely down.
Well, ya might as well laugh, right?  As I’ve said, I don’t really enjoy mowing the yard like I used to since I got my foot cut back in 2012 but I was going to do it because it needed doing and Tommy wouldn’t have time.  I’m not really that picky about much, but a yard that needs mowing just bugs the soup out of me!
So I mumbled something about it being a sign that I shouldn’t mow as I came in the house and piddled around til the thing had charged.  At last I finally got to mow only to almost have a panic attack (and I have never had a full blown one of those) when I got out on the steep-ish incline in front of the house.  I normally have some issues with that area, but after the accident, it was worse, but never this bad.  I just told Tommy I couldn’t mow that part.  He was cool about it, which is why I married him.  *pththt*
Now I’m back in the house cooking a bit so we can have a cookout tomorrow, hopefully with some of the kids if they’re not all busy right after church.
All in all, it’s been a good day.  Maybe we’ll both get our courage up and drag those bikes out tomorrow….


an open letter to the t1d mom…

Dear Type 1 Diabetic Mom,

I know you.

I know you are tired.  Tired of worrying about your health and how you can take care of it, your baby, your home, your job, your marriage, your other kids…every other thing in your life that stresses out the most healthy of moms.  I know adding t1d to the mix can create sheer havoc.  I know it’s easy to feel bitter, angry and completely cheated.

I know that being a mom is a monumentally hard job.  I also know that being a mom with t1d increases the difficulty exponentially!


Something else I know is that it’s doable.  Yes, it’s hard.

It’s the hardest thing you will ever do in your entire life.  But you can do it.  I know, because I did it.

type 1 diabetic mothers

Type 1 Diabetic Mothers

Yeah, and if I can do it, so can you.

I have two healthy, productive, intelligent grown sons to show for all the effort to take the best care of myself that I could in order to best care for them.  It was worth every poke, every extra test, every extra bag I packed for my supplies that added to all the things I already had to keep up with for them.  It was worth every tear I cried in private, tears of exhaustion, of fear, of despair feeling that I just couldn’t do it one more minute.

I have to tell you my secret.  You may or may not see it as something that would work for you.  I understand that, but for me, without this “secret weapon”, I would not have made it.  I wouldn’t have survived to escort my boys into adulthood.

My “secret” was (and IS) Jesus.  Without my faith, I could not deal with the reality of diabetes.  I couldn’t deal with the ups, downs and sideways, upside down spirals that it creates in my life.   I encourage you to investigate Him at the very least.  For so many other things in my life, He is my Sustainer, but for motherhood, He was indeed my Savior and thus, the reason my children are who and what they are today.  I am immensely proud of them and thankful for all the Lord has done in their lives.

Another thing that will be essential for “getting through” motherhood with t1d is HELP!  You do not have to do it alone.  Nor are you supposed to.  If you are a single mother on top of it, reach out to friends and family.  If your husband isn’t as supportive as he should be, call on others to help you.  ANY mother is well within her rights, and responsibilities for that matter, to ask for help when she needs it.  If you don’t, you risk failing even more!  ASKING FOR HELP IS NOT FAILURE…IT IS WISDOM.

In my opinion, that’s good advice for ANY mom or any person!   Don’t let pride keep you from reaching out for help when you need it!  That’s just foolish!

Back to you, T1D Mom… I know there will be days when you just can’t seem to get your blood sugars to cooperate.  No matter what you do, no matter that you’re doing everything the doctor has instructed, the disease will not cooperate.  It will become a monster on those days and it is one you will simply have to resign yourself to fight.  Your health and your children are worth ever effort you make.

I KNOW it’s hard.  I know there are times when you just want to quit!  You don’t want to try anymore to control this raging beast that is sometimes T1D.

But do it anyway.  Do It ANYWAY.

You are not alone.  Others have gone before you.  They are walking beside you and coming behind you in this epic battle to remain physically healthy and mentally sane while being a mother with type 1 diabetes.  Your only mission is

               do NOT give up!

I hope this has encouraged you to look for the brighter side, to focus on the good and remember that this season of your life won’t last forever.

If I can help you, encourage you or maybe just reassure you that no matter how bad it may seem, you can’t afford to give up…contact me.  Leave a comment, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter or email me.  All my info is in the sidebar!  I want to remind you… you have too much at stake to let this disease defeat you!  Let me encourage you and let’s encourage each other!






Okay, it’s official. I have moved up (in my own mind, that is) into true “the BIG TIME”. Maybe that’s not official big time, but I don’t know what else to call THIS old gal doing a bike ride of FORTY-ONE-A/N/D-A-HALF MILES!!! (you’re darn tootin’ that half mile counts! LOL!)

NOTE: I am REALLY not happy that for whatever reason I can’t link my ride map here. ARGH! The sight of that map makes me feel all-kinda-jazzed! 🙂

Seriously, I would have never, EVER believed I could do this if you’d said beforehand we were going to ride this far. The plan was to ride to the next county, stop at a little restaurant there for lunch and ride back, which would have been about 19 miles. A decent ride for me, actually. I have done a few 26 mile rides and can handle that distance fairly well.

Well, we decided to take a different route home, so that added quite a few miles AND hills/elevation to the thing. I was SO amazed that I actually did it! I guess I was a little too tired to get TOO celebratory about it at the time, but MAN, was I proud of myself!!

And so, you know I’m riding this month to help raise money to fight kids’ cancer in The Great Cycle Challenge (click the link to donate!) so my goal is to ride at least 200 miles this month.
The Great Cycle Challenge to end Childhood Cancer!
I already have 79 in for last week. I decided I’d plan to ride at least 50 miles per week. It’s a good thing I got the extra in since it’s pouring the rain today. *sigh*

I really wasn’t planning on doing that many, but on Saturday, our eldest son decided he wanted to ride over to where he’s youth pastor (they were doing a blood drive that day and he was going to donate and check on some things at the church). That’s about an 18 mile trip one way and so we had DIL#1 drive our truck over so we could haul the bikes back. We all had a graduation party to go to later as well so we didn’t have the time to do a round trip. Plus, Son#1 was planning to donate blood so we knew at least he would not be able to ride back.

Turned out he couldn’t donate because his pulse was too high. Hubby was going to donate but hadn’t brought any i.d. with him. So it turned out to just be a nice opportunity to get a ride in with Son#1, which I’d been wanting to do since he hadn’t ridden with us since I got my new bike.

It was a good trip & we made good time too. I think Son#1 was a little impressed with how much I had improved. Hubby and I marvel at how he can go months without riding (he seldom has the free time for it) and then go out and do some fairly long rides. Hubby says it’s because he’s young.

I guess, but I don’t think I could have done it at his age. Haha!

So yeah, I rode 79 miles last week for the challenge, but if you include the ride linked above, from May 30 to June 6, I rode a little over 120 miles!!

I’m sorry and if there happens to be some rouge cycling beast reading here, just let me have my moment… but I am daggone proud of myself!

Ha. I know part of the reason I can do more is because this bike is so much better than my old one, but it fits/shifts/rides so much better, I just WANT to ride more now!

I still can’t see myself ever getting to the point that I could do a century like Hubby and the rest, but I would like to attempt a half-century, just me and him one Saturday. It’s amazing how empowering it is to realize you can do something so crazy and so hard!

I have to admit, I’ve been fighting low blood sugars randomly since last Saturday, but they are not super-severe and not very frequent, so I think I’m doing well.

I DID have that crazy low the other day when I had ridden hard & fast for probably 6 miles, then for some reason, insisted we stop to check my sugar and it was 52. ACK! Yeah, and I didn’t even feel it. I had just come down a hill doing almost 35mph. I was pretty shaken to realize that I couldn’t even feel that I was going low. I treated the low, suspended my pump (so it wouldn’t deliver any insulin), checked a second time (it was up to 87) and we set off again. I stopped again to check a couple miles later and it was hovering just over 100.

All those readings I was very proud of, but I can’t help getting angry and frustrated about the fact that I have a CGM-capable pump, but my insurance will not cover the sensors (which need to be changed every week and are approximately $100 each, so at least $400/month). I mean, if I had sensors, the CGM (which I purchased) would alert me when my sugar dropped too fast, got under 60 and if it happened to reach 60, it would suspend my pump for me. That’s a great feature for lows that happen in your sleep (which I’ve had two of since riding so much more) and you don’t wake up. For two hours, you stop getting insulin so you don’t die in your sleep.

As it is, I have to stop, pull out the small glucose monitor, the bottle of strips and my lancet device. Then I have to have Hubby hold it or lay my bike down so I can balance everything or put part of it on the ground too. Poke for the blood, wait for the result and the put everything back up.

That’s NOT a big deal normally, but when you are on the road? It’s a major pain to deal with. We usually ride on rural backroads, so we don’t have to worry too much about a lot of traffic. Most times, on an 18-mile round trip, we may see as few as 2 vehicles or as many as 12. Most often, it’s no more than 4 though, but if we had to also contend with traffic while trying to test? UGH!

I can’t understand how insurance can deny coverage of those sensors if an endocrinologist recommends them. I think it sucks big time. And I hope and pray that Hubby’s company will change to a new insurance provider SOON because Humana has been a real disappointment to deal with. I KNOW there are companies who are covering sensors. I sure wish it was mandatory across the board.

Ah well… no use complaining, but I wanted you to know what I have to do to control/monitor my sugars while I’m riding versus what COULD be a much simpler, easier and safer solution if we could afford sensors one way or another.

Habakkuk 3:19 – “God, the LORD, is my strength;…”

a better day…

Thank God, today has been better than yesterday. I guess that’s the way hope works, huh?

Hubby is at work again. His back hurt him more than anything this morning, which is common for him when he lays around too much. So he got up and took a hot bath and was ready to go in record time. He gave me a heads up for lunch, so I met him for Mexican and then went to pay a bill and pick up a few things for Baby Son’s birthday, which is today!

I can’t quite believe he’s twenty-two years old! It’s amazing how time just warps when it comes to your kids growing up. It honestly seems like yesterday he was wobbling all over the house, squealing and turning every knob he could get his hands on. He used to do this thing where he’d “rare” back and let go with this ear-splitting screech of a noise! It seemed to thrill him to get such a strong reaction from everyone. He was also forever trying to take things apart, so knobs and buttons and anything else that moved was at risk from him. He liked to know how things worked. As he grew, he still wanted to know how things worked, but he became very adept at putting them right back together. Now he likes to drive, (sometimes like a maniac, which ages his mother relentlessly) and service his own vehicles, which he trades often too. He’s owned more vehicles in his short licensed-driver life than his dad and I have our whole lives, I think! He can operate heavy equipment and figure out how to fix things. He’s an amazing young man and I’m so proud of him!

Being such a self-reliant and resourceful fella makes him impossible to buy gifts for, so I went today and bought him a kite and a bag of special edition Skittles. He always loved to fly kites when we got the opportunity. He has the perfect spot for it up on the hill where he lives and of course, no self-respecting 22-year-old is going to buy himself a kite, no matter how much he might want to fly one. So his mama bought him one. I pray he’ll like it at least a little and not think it’s totally stupid. He’s so distant and avoids us these days, so it’s even harder to know how he’ll react to something.

Psalm 127:3“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.”

medical up-dee-doos…

That’s my you-can’t-understand-me word for “updates”, y’all.

Just wanted to document that I have started taking the higher dose of Wellburtin XL on my own.  It’s another couple weeks before I go back to see the PA, but I wanted to see if the higher dose would be any more effective.

So far, I can’t really tell as it’s almost time for “the monthly” and I have felt a tad irritable.  I certainly don’t feel any worse, but no more noticeable energy or anything like that.

I really REALLY want to get my stinkin’ glasses soon. My vision is sometimes pretty pathetic.  Just blurry and halo-y which makes reading nigh to impossible sometimes.  I have an appointment with our CPA tomorrow, so hopefully we will get a decent refund and be able to have it in the bank soon.

My weight is doing its usual thing of up-and-down… I’m down almost another two pounds, but that doesn’t really count since I was up almost two a few days ago.  GAH!

I ordered some of that Garcina stuff that’s supposed to help with weight loss.  Kinda feeling like an idiot for doing that because none of the fad stuff usually works for me.  I just don’t feel that the Thrive is going to really help me with weight loss.  For energy and making my joints feel better?  Yes, it’s great and I’ll keep taking it, but I need to lose some weight too!!

We’ll see what happens I guess.

Philippians 3:14I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

I like to ride my bicycle…

Seriously, I do.  But man, getting ready to do that can be irritating and frustrating, ya know?

I mean, it’s not like when we were kids… just put on your sneaks and go!  Back when I was a youngun’, there were no helmets, no reflectors, no super-crazy safety concerns… I remember more than once getting my flare-legged pants hung in my chain and having to run pantsless to the house in immortal fear that someone on our rural gravel road would see me running across the yard in my bloomers.  BAHAHA!

if you change the pretty blonde for brown stringy hair and remove the helmet and make the bike less "cool", this is me...

if you change the pretty blonde for brown stringy hair and remove the helmet and make the bike less “cool”, this is me…

So now it’s more embarrassing to be seen before you get on the bike what with the garb required to ride for miles and miles and still be comfortable.  The padded spandex cycling shorts, the funky clip shoes that make you walk funny, the sweatbands and helmets,… distance cycling is NOT in any way connected to fashion, okay?



Anatomy of basic cycling garb

Ugly clothing, especially spandex! will usually look better if you are not a big gal like me, so add some flab to these gals to get just a taste of how bad this stuff looks with me in it....

Ugly clothing, especially spandex! will usually look better if you are not a big gal like me, so add some flab to these gals to get just a taste of how bad this stuff looks with me in it….

And so, you can see how cycling is not really about fashion.  Haha!!  Although I would LOVE to have me one of these if they weren’t so expensive…

Cutest women's cycling jersey ever!

Cutest women’s cycling jersey ever!

Maybe when I lose weight, I’ll splurge on that baby to celebrate.  Ha!

The good thing is that nobody else notices how weird you look because they look at least mostly as weird as you do, so there’s that.  Then there’s the crazy nutritional aspects of cycling and staying healthy…we “do” Gu  usually…

pronounced "goo" and yummier than you'd think...

pronounced “goo” and yummier than you’d think…

especially for long rides, pre-fueling nutrition & during-ride food is extremely important...

especially for long rides, pre-fueling nutrition & during-ride food is extremely important…

When Hubby got into biking, I never dreamed that we would be accumulating this kind of equipment or worrying about nutrition the way we are.  But then again, he doesn’t really “piddle” when he gets into a hobby.  *sigh*  That’s great in ways, but after hunting, fishing, go-kart racing and such, and spending thousands of dollars, it can be scary for me when he gets obsessed with something.

I’m thankful that at last it’s something that we can do together and will actually make us healthier.

1 Corinthians 13:12- For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”

good news all around so far…

Well, our overnight in Lexington went smoothly if you don’t count the almost-three hours we spent in The Apple Store trying to back up Hubby’s phone so they could replace it.  Sheesh!

We picked up his records without any problems then  headed over there.  My sugar got low on the walk in so we stopped and bought a cup of these pretzel bites and a regular soda.  An hour later, I was at 325.  GAH!!  I corrected for that and continued to sit on that uncomfy stool while his laptop refused to cooperate for the backup since he didn’t have iCloud backups setup and they felt it would be quicker to just backup to his computer given the slow wifi.  He told me to go do something else, but I really don’t even like the mall, let alone going to look knowing full well we don’t have any money, ya know?  I am NOT really a window shopper.  Heh.

So anyhow, we did have to drive around awhile looking for a motel.  We almost booked one with Trivago and then, when Hubby asked the poor receptionist at the office where we picked up his records, she says, “Well, I will tell you where NOT to stay…” and proceeded to name that motel, saying it had been burgled several times recently!  Sheesh!!

We unloaded at a Microtel, which was clean, but tiny!  I guess the “micro” part is entirely true, eh?  I haven’t stayed in a lot of places, so I had no clue that’s what it actually meant!  LOL!  Anyhow, we then went to get a bite to eat.  Had an amazing steak and I called Mom as we headed back to the motel to see how she was doing with Max.

I was SO afraid he would be just “too much” for her, since she doesn’t have any inside animals, but apparently they had become big buddies.  We talked about him for close to ten full minutes, her telling me all this stuff he was doing.  It sounded as if she planned to just “stay up” with him in the living room, since he had kinda claimed that as his.  *shaking my head*  I felt much relieved to know she wasn’t exasperated with him.

So next morning, we got to the Endoscopy place with time to spare, they took him right on back and it was really an awesome experience.  The nurses were all amazing and I actually talked to a  young lady who had been on an Emmaus walk with our community last year, so that was cool.  I had given a talk on that one, so she remembered me.

They decided since Hubby had been a little combative the last time they did this procedure to give him some “narcotics” this time.  He was SO concerned about that that when he came back out, all he could ask was if he was good and “Did I fight ’em?”  LOL!  He asked that as one sweet, older nurse was right at his side and her face was priceless.  I laughed so hard!  He was sound asleep when they first brought him out and I really thought he’d be out for awhile.  I’d just watched a little guy across the hall snooze for a good half hour after his procedure, but Hubby was fairly awake, although very groggy, in just a couple minutes.  We were dressed and out of there in about another half hour.  They said it all went fine, he was “good” the nurses assured me and asked that I tell him, and no sign of cancer.  When his regular doctor mentioned that, Hubby had been worried about it ever since, so that was an answered prayer.  They said he did have a fibrous “constricture” that they dilated, he does have a small hiatal hernia, which Hubby had told them from the beginning (when regular doc said, no it was an ulcer) and some gastritis, which is just inflamed, irritated stomach. They took about 8 biopsies from different areas just to check for things like celiac and H Pyori, so we will hear from those in the next few days.  They said most of the damage was likely due to years of high-dose NSAIDs for years to treat his feet/leg pain.  I’m not sure what we will be able to do to treat that now.  *sigh*   They told him to eat soft foods and take it easy the rest of the day.

He was pretty sleepy and a little uncomfy all the way home, but once we got home, he got on the phone with this place in Seattle he’s found that builds custom bikes.  He’s bound and determined that we get me a bike that actually fits me instead of settling for the one the bike shop guy uptown wants to sell us.  I don’t see how we could ever afford it, but he’s determined.  Anyhow, after he got off the phone with them, he was super excited about it and soon started talking about meeting up with the bike club people to go on the ride that evening.

It wasn’t going to be one of those “killer” rides like he had just done Sunday (60+ miles!!) so he felt it was perfectly within his “limitations”…  Next thing I knew he was loading up the bikes and rushing me to get ready!  And so it was that we did a 19 mile ride on the same day the man had a procedure done with anesthesia!  He’s crazy, I tell you!

Tommy, cycling

My crazy biker dude…

I wasn’t sure I could make it all the way after the first couple miles, but as usual, I kept telling myself just a little further til we got to the turn-around point.  Once there, he put the one computer we have on my bike and gave me the heart monitor so I could see my progress.  The computer tells you MPH, heart rate, cadence (rotations per minute) and a bunch of other stuff and it was surprisingly encouraging to have that info.  I made the return trip in much less time than going out.  He has bought anther computer with a cracked screen with the intent to fix it for me, so I’m hoping we can get that fixed soon.  I would probably do a lot better or at least be more encouraged to keep at it with that info at my disposal all the time.  Something about knowing how hard you are pushing makes you want to keep at it and keeps me from feeling like giving up.  Psychology.  Pshh!  LOL!

So that was our crazy few days.  My sugar got low early this morning, around 5 am, I woke up sweaty.  I didn’t get up and check it because I was just too stinking tired, but after a few minutes and not feeling any better, I ate a couple of lifesavers and tried to go back to sleep.  I never slept very good after that, so when Hubby got up for work, I got myself a granola bar and laid back down.  I do my hardest, best sleeping in the early morning hours, so when I get “interrupted” during that time, I am wiped out as if I didn’t sleep good all night.  So I slept til about 9:30.  I’m up now, and sitting here doing this, but not super-sore or anything, so that is also encouraging!

However, I DO need to get my butt up and work on this tax crapola.  Praying for a good refund this year… we need it terribly!

Hebrews 12:1 – “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,”

So about that logging… (& some history)

So far, I’m kind of sucking at it.

Actually I have been writing some things in another document, fairly abbreviated, (but probably not abbreviated enough) for my therapist because I didn’t figure she wanted to read through my actual blog posts to try to figure out how I was feeling during the day and when. So I’m trying to sort out how to do this because I don’t want to let the blog go.  I think it’s been good for me to get back into expressing myself this way.

Back in the day when I had a really active blog, writing posts about various things was really good therapy.  Like I told my therapist I was all big-time.  I had my own domain name, designed the graphics for my headers and wrote a lot of code actually.  That was back in the day when my brain cells were a lot more effective than they are now.

Back then, I wrote a lot of funny posts –just my crazy take on things and silly stories from my life and homeschooling the kids.  I enjoyed being able to make people laugh and playing with words and explaining things in my own unique way, I guess.  I probably did this for maybe five years and after a while it got to where I just couldn’t put my thoughts together as well anymore.  It became a struggle to get a post together that I was satisfied with so I just let the blog go. I let my domain name go and I just stop blogging altogether for quite a while.

Over the years, I tried to start back… using sites like Blogger and WordPress, but I could never get “my groove” back it seemed.  It was frustrating and disappointing.

I think my need to write my feelings down comes from the fact that I have a hard time verbalizing them.  As a kid, whenever there was something my parents needed to “have a talk” with me about, it usually consisted of them talking (preaching, criticizing, chastizing) to me and me sitting there in tears.  Mom especially would bemoan the fact that I never talked, never expressed any opinions or thoughts to them in these “sessions”.  The reason why is that once in the past, I HAD actually spoken and told them how I felt only to be told I “didn’t need” to feel that way or I “shouldn’t” think like that.  So my thoughts and opinions were negated and I never again expressed myself to them.

As a teenager, I used to keep notebooks, diaries or journals, whatever…I had several of them full of my thoughts, worries and dreams…mostly thoughts and worries.  Honestly, I never wrote much about dreams.  I just don’t recall ever having a whole lot of them or at least never really fleshing them out.  But one day my mother went searching and found them.  She let loose on me and all heck broke loose.

I took them outside and burned them all and stopped writing.  It seemed, for several years, I had no outlet at all for my feelings.  Looking at it now, it was really an awful time in my life, but I don’t recall getting “in the dark hole” over it.  Perhaps because I did usually have some boy in my life to consume my time.  I say that like I had a new one every week (HA HA!)  but I promise you it wasn’t like that.  It’s just that there was always someone, either a flirtation or a steady, who occupied my time and thoughts, so I guess I didn’t have time to sink into a hole over not being able to get my feelings out, ya know?

So now, writing my feelings is much easier.  Mostly because if I cry while writing, it doesn’t interrupt the expression as bad as if I am trying to say  how I feel while bawling.  That seems to mess things up entirely.  That’s why I have often written letters to Tommy or other people in my family.  Tommy is about the only one I ever actually GAVE the letters to, and then he would be blindsided by all my emotion pouring out because I had had time to think and sort them when he had no clue what was going through my mind.  (I did  NOT always realize this, however, so it made for some tense arguments when he didn’t response “appropriately”  *sigh*)  And honestly, part of the problem with all the letters to Tommy was the simple fact that he DIDN’T have a clue.  But that’s a whole ‘nother post.  *grin*

Anyhow, I’m slowly getting better, more acclimated or re-acclimated, to writing about how I’m feeling, what I’m thinking.

If I can just figure out how to balance the whole logging stuff for the therapist and blogging, I’ll be doing great.  Maybe I can just give her the web address for my blog?  I don’t even know if she would be interested in that or if it would help her in any way.

I’ve found that I’m not always as clear as I should be.  For instance, we had been talking for quite awhile about all the stuff I told you about here, and then later, I mentioned the pain in my shoulders and neck.  She was like, “So you’re having pain too?!?” saying how that can worsen depression as well and I was like DUH! why didn’t I think of that!?!??  It’s so much a part of my life, I don’t think about how it affects me, ya know?  So maybe in reading this stuff, she might sort out or pick up on some things that I don’t get out while I’m talking with her.  I dunno, but I’ll ask her about doing that next time.

I sorta thought about just copying my notes here, but you (all one or two of you that ever read this!  ha ha!) would die.  They are very choppy and poorly constructed…not even sentences sometimes.  I dunno if my therapist will even be able to use them!  *gasp*

She mainly wants to be able to look at how I am feeling day to day AND if there is a pattern in what time of day I’m feeling better or worse.  That will help if they need to change how I’m taking my meds or if I need to do something different.  It makes sense, I just can’t make sense of how best to do that.

Always complicated with me….I think it’s part of how making decisions is harder for me while I’m depressed.  Honestly, it’s a thing!  And something as simple as deciding how to log my moods is becoming a stressor!  I will figure it out, I mean, it’s not major, but it is a thing.  Always a thing.  Ha.

So, just for the record, I have been waking up feeling a little less groggy…not sleeping nearly as much during the day (not at all the past couple days because I’ve had appointments) but not being super energetic either.  I would SO love to feel energetic!!  Another thing.. the past couple days I have gone to bed before 11 pm, which is a BIG step for me.  I had been staying up til at least midnight.  And I’ve gotten up by 9 am (except for one day) every morning since Monday.  I will take that.  Any improvement is better than none, right?  My biggest thing is that I don’t get up right away.  I’ll wake up, look at my phone for awhile.  Sometimes either mom or the hubby will call me during that time, so I’ll talk with them.  But I am trying to make sure I’m getting my meds in before 10 am.  Maybe that’ll be good enough.

I have some stuff to report about my visit to the GP last Tuesday too, but I’ll save that for another post.

Okie doke… gotta get up and move.  My neck is KILLING me!!  If you read this, pray for me when you think of it.  I don’t share this blog just because I’m using it to work through so much personal stuff, but for the minuscule few of you that do read here, I appreciate you.  PLEASE leave me comments??  I’d appreciate that too.

This scripture came to mind when I think about my thoughts and feelings not being “acceptable” to my family… *sigh*

Genesis 37:8 — “His brothers said to him, “Are you indeed to reign over us? Or are you indeed to rule over us?” So they hated him even more for his dreams and for his words.”


I would say this, but she already said it & way better than me…

I found this post over on ScissorTailSilk and just wept as I read things that had gone through my own mind. Some of them almost word for word.

If you struggle with depression like I do, or if you’ve ever just had a really rough season in your life where you felt overwhelmingly like What IS the point?!? then please take time to go over and read A Response To The Unwritten Letter. Becky does an EXCELLENT job speaking to the very most painful place we hide and sometimes live!