I went back to the pelvic health therapist again yesterday. We did the biofeedback, which was very informative and surprising. I was honestly expecting to find that my muscles were super-tight, perpetually stressed.
Turns out, according to the results, my “stuff” isn’t extremely tight after all. I do seem to have weak muscles, as a matter of fact. Which either created or resulted from poor muscle control. It was, like I said, informative and surprising, but also strange/weird. Ha ha… She had me tense my pelvic floor muscles for a few seconds, up to a minute, then relax. The biofeedback showed that my contractions were pretty weak, but that, contrary to what we expected, the muscles actually do relax after instead of steadily increasing in tension.
That’s so totally opposite of what my symptoms seem to point to… that my muscles were overly tight and unable to relax. I guess that leads to realizing that the problem is more due to the scar tissue and the trauma of the pain and conditioning over the years to tighten in response.
*sigh* I was kinda hoping this would be more physical than that, and be something we could “exercise” (HAHA!) out of me instead of having to retrain my mind. Muscles, I believe, are much MUCH easier to retrain than a brain.
Hubby was able to go with me this time, which was good. I wasn’t feeling really great about driving up there by myself. He ordered himself some shoes last week and we had hoped they would be there for us to pick up yesterday. But of course, they weren’t in and we are leaving for Nashville after church Sunday. He really wanted to have them in time to wear at his conference. If they come in before Sunday, we may end up driving up there (in the opposite direction of our destination) to get them, THEN drive down to Nashville, which is a 3 1/2-hour drive anyway! Ugh.
I’m working on getting laundry done and attempting to get the house in a teeny bit better shape before we go. I swear, it’s so horrible now. Just stuff… papers and little things scattered all over. I made a stab at it Sunday afternoon and cleared, or at least organized, all the papers piled up on the bar. It’s still a mess since when Hubby got up from napping, he insisted we go out and get some landscaping done. He had picked up a truckload of gravel for the three trees in the back yard, so he pulled all the weeds out, pulled up the filter fabric and de-rooted it then we replaced the fabric and shoveled the rocks around the trees. That was encouraging, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to do. He had done a great service/tune-up job on our old (a 1976 model!) John Deere lawn tractor, replacing the blades, belts and changing oil and other fluids. When he mowed last week, it was SO evident all the work he’d done on it because the yard looked better than it has in ages! Even and smooth. Now with some of the landscaping refreshed in the back, I am getting encouraged to keep it going, get the house in shape, get the rest of the landscaping cleaned up (the areas right next to the house are a mess!) and get busy with some cookouts and get-togethers with lots of fun, friends and family.
I’ll close this post out before I ramble into yet another topic. But I’ll add this… it is extremely evident that the worst of the depression has been dealt with. Whether it’s the higher dose of Wellbutrin or just that I’m beginning to get healthier, but although I won’t say I’m “great”, I am definitely better. A lot better.
For that, I am extremely, immensely grateful.
Proverbs 3:5-8 –
“5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
7 Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
8 It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones.”
It’s not major, but guys, I have just tackled a mountain of laundry. I have been doing a little laundry now and then, but the most I have done is get it moved out of the dryer. I haven’t been able to make myself go any farther.
My poor husband has been running around the house naked searching for underwear and socks. He’s been terribly magnanimous about it all. Love his heart, as blunt and non-subtle as he can be sometimes, he’s been trying to overlook my inability to do even the most basic of housekeeping for months…
For anyone who doesn’t struggle with depression, you might not be able to comprehend how huge this is. My loveseat was COVERED, and I mean HEAPING, with clean laundry that had been piled there from various areas… like the kitchen chair, the top of the dryer, the foot of the bed.
Yep, I’m telling you it’s been bad around here for months. So anyway, I have gotten all those clothes folded and stacked & some of them even put away. Lord willing, I might even get them all put away. I have another load going in the washer, so woo-hoo for me!
For your normal functioning person, this seems so trivial and stupid. For anyone who is OCD/super-organized, it’s probably gross, but for anyone who’s ever experienced major depression, this is a gigantic step of progress.
As minor as it may seem to you, I am trying to use this blog to document my progress.
As far as appointments, I go Friday to get the new mammogram to check on this lump. I need to make a trip to town (which I have not been able to bring myself to do yet, but must by tomorrow!) to pick up the films from the scan I had done in December to take to the new place.
I hope this is not a waste, but I also hope it’s nothing. If it IS from a bruise (I jammed the handlebars of my bike into my boob in a fall sometime in October/early November) then it won’t show on a mammogram. I’m not sure what they do from there. I don’t know if they will do another test or of they will just diagnose it as a bruise. ?? We shall see I guess.
My next appointment with the therapist is February 6 and a friend has offered to ride to Richmond with me, so I’m looking forward to spending the day with her. We share depression in common, so she’s been a big supporter and I’m so thankful for her company and prayers.
So, I guess I’ll get myself off here and back to my progress. I hope I might be able to make a little headway in the kitchen as well! Praise God!
Okay, so I’m not sure if this is really productive… I forget if this template shows time of post or not, but people, it’s almost 5:30a & I’ve been up since about 3a!
Tucker hadda go pee, okay? And totally abnormal for me, I felt wide awake. This as opposed to the usual closed-eyed stumbling I usually do when letting Tucker out at night.
So…. while waiting for him, I started cleaning our bathroom. And if you read my last personal post, you can guess it was a big disaster area. I’ve gotten completely out of the habit of trying to at least wipe things down in there every week. I’ll clean the toilet every day if it looks dirty, but the vanity can get totally gross and seems like I just can’t make myself clean it up!
But no more… at least not for today. I wiped everything down with foam cleanser, detailed the faucets, scrubbed the toilet (again) including wiping the tank, behind the seat & the base, scrubbed down most of the tub.. have to get to the higher spots today sometime (please, Lord?) All I lack (ha!) is the mirrors, the floor and the two shelves.
I am stoked! 😉 BUT… I’ve been sitting here for close to an hour now… searching in vain for a Christmas theme for here. Where on earth ARE they? I’ve even been looking for “premium” (read: not free) themes, but all I can find is yucky-lookin’ stuff.
Ah well… I can hear Tommy snoring through the wall, so I may end up on the couch. I was hoping that the heavy-equipment-like snoring would end once his blood pressure got back down, but… no. *sheesh*
Hopefully I will have more progress to report later on.