Tag: loneliness


craving creativity & him…


the worst is missing someone you see every day!

The thing about starting a blog, or reinventing a blog might be a better description in my case, with a focus on turning it into a career of sorts is that, when you are not super-tech-savvy, you end up spending hours trying to “get educated.”  When you spend hours upon hours attempting to educate yourself about how best to “launch” and “optimize” and “mobile-friendly-ize” and “promote” and “superfluffenate” your site, you don’t have the time or energy to actually write!

Yeah, for those who are wondering, I made that last one up just now.

But that’s about how it all sounds to me by the time I’ve spent a few hours trying to understand one of these techie concepts for making this site “the best”.

So I am craving the time or maybe the permission to just write.  To just let my mind unload and sort and to perhaps even arrange a comprehensible post to share with you all.

I’d like to tell you about the great time we had with all four of the kids here Sunday to cook out.  How rare it is for that to happen.  How Tommy and I are a bit concerned that some of the kids seemed a little distant.  How we’re not sure if it’s just a busy time for them or if we should prod a little and find out what’s up.  How we worry that maybe we worry too much.  Heh.  I’d like to tell you how, at long last, they’ve almost got Casey’s Jeep back together so at least one of Tommy’s projects will be done soon and maybe I can get my husband back for awhile.

the worst thing is missing someone you see every day!

About how I sometimes get so bummed when he comes home from work with the phone stuck to his ear, still dealing with problems there or chatting it up with a friend and I am left standing on the porch, waiting for him to actually, totally “get home”.  How even though he tries to let me know he is glad to see me by rushing in for a quick “hi” before heading out to the shop for the rest of the night, I begin to feel abandoned after a few weeks of this.

And then I think about all the years we actually existed in this sort of state for months at a time.  I guess it stirs up the way I felt during our “dark secret” years and makes me feel hollow and sad.  I don’t want to go back to that, but sometimes there’s just not a lot either of us can do about it.  And when it’s not his work or an emergency that creates this situation, it makes it even harder to keep resentment at bay, ya know?

SoooOOOoooo…there you have it.  Between feeling super-frustrated that this site isn’t doing better

(am I being too impatient?  is my content that bad?  is there too much diversity with my topics?  am I just a lot more boring than I thought?  or is it actually that I don’t have all those techie things figured out and employed?  ARGH!)

and feeling pretty lonely at home, I’m in a funk.  My brain is tired from trying to figure all the stuff out, from wondering why I don’t have more subscribers or likes or comments and when you add the fact that I’m just physically tired (more tired than I should be, in my opinion) and I’m worrying about how that’s gonna affect this trip to Orlando, it just has me all messed up inside.

I know this is just a season, a phase, a moment in time and things will get better as time goes on.  But I am impatient and I’m fretful.  When it comes to my marriage and the healing that we’ve had, I don’t wanna mess around with it.  I don’t want to risk falling into old habits and bottle everything up the way I used to do.

I know God will honor our intentions to protect our marriage, to not take for granted how He has miraculously held us together and healed us.  We just have to be sure those are more than just intentions!  We have to turn them into actions.

I’m a little more than awed at the way the scripture from Sunday’s sermon (thanks, Terrance Brooks!) applies to this situation…

Revelation 2:5  “Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.”

Blessings!

G~