Tag: long marriage


the enemy of marriage (& a poll!)


The only thing you have to do to fail at marriage is NOTHING

So you probably get it by now that I am in favor of marriage.  Marriage is important.  It’s vitally important to defend and fight for your marriage.  No matter what’s going on, aside from outright abuse, your marriage is worth a fight.  It’s worth laying aside all your pride, rolling up your sleeves and getting in the mud and muck and fighting like all of hell is after you.  Because it is.

Satan hates a strong, godly marriage where the family puts God first and rejects the world’s image of disposable marriages, discounted vows, discouraged couples and disaffected children, dismantled stability, discarded families.  You’d better believe he’s after your marriage.

The only thing you have to do to fail at marriage is NOTHING

As you’ve seen, if you have read here much at all, our marriage was very atypical in many ways.  We didn’t have that crazy first year with tons of sex and exploring our intimate life together, figuring out what we liked best, what each other wanted most, etc.  Our first year was confusing…bewildering even.  We didn’t understand why sex was so hard for us…for me.  We were still hanging on to hope that time would take care of the issues, that it was just a matter of “trying more” or getting used to it…or SOMEthing!!

By the time we finally decided we needed medical help, we had been dealing with it for ten years, had two kids and for all intents and purposes, we looked like every other young couple.  Nobody knew how we were struggling.  We didn’t talk to anyone about it, not even each other except to yell when the frustration became too much.

I want to get Tommy to sit down with me and do a video.  I’m not sure what he’ll think about that ha ha but I think it would be good for him to at least say a little bit about his side of things.  We are both healing together.  Even though the physical side of the problem was mine as far as the pain went, and perhaps I bore more of the depression and stuff like that, but he carried a lot of emotional pain as well.

We’ve never talked a whole lot about that.  I mean, I have shared a little, just me and him, about how I felt and then of course, he’s heard me relate it to my therapist and read what I’ve written here about it, but we’ve never really discussed his side so much.

He might not want to.  Maybe he never knew how to voice it or maybe it hurt too much to speak out loud.  I have been in that place too, where I didn’t know how to put into words the way I felt.

I know there are a few men who read here, or at least they have at one time.  heh  I would like to hear from ALL of you, what you would ask Tommy?  Are there parts of this story that you’d like his take on?  Are there things that you would like to know from his side?

Please put those in the comments for us?  I would really love for us to have a conversation about where he was, emotionally, and where he is now as we are in the healing process.  What would he have done differently?  What would he keep the same, if anything?  What made him choose to stay?  Did he really still  have hope that our sex life would ever be remotely normal?  Those are the questions I want to ask.  I’m not sure I’ll like the answers, but I think it’s important for us to flesh this out and I feel like maybe others could benefit from hearing his viewpoint.

DON’T FORGET!  Leave your questions in the comments!  (or you can email them to me at:  geannie [at] lifeindogyears [dot] com)

THANK YOU!!

Blessings,

G~


healing at long last…


I felt cursed...

Hey y’all.  I have some things on my mind and you know how that goes.  smile  I’m gonna try to sift through them here if you don’t mind.  Any insights or commentary is always appreciated!

So…I alluded Monday to the fact that things are going well in the s-e-x department at my house.  Hahaha… stop laughing!  stifles a giggle  If you’re new here and don’t know our back story, please read this first so you’ll be up on everything.

Did you read it?  Okay, let’s proceed.  So yeah, it’s a little weird to have been married for almost 31 years and feel the way we do these days.  I think I can truly say that the healing is complete.  I’ve lost count of our “encounters” in the past couple of weeks and that is just amazing!  I used to consistently get bladder spasms or sometimes a full-on UTI every time we had sex.  That’s understandable since it would be long periods of time in between!  I finally learned to get up pretty quickly, go pee and avoided some of those, but sometimes, I’d get one in spite of that.  I’m not one of those gals who can have a bladder issue or UTI and not even know it.  No.  I KNOW when I have it.  It creates tremendous pain, unbelievable spasms and frequency which keeps me at home and close to a bathroom.  It’s horrible, so it was a real pain to deal with.  Yet another reason why I never wanted to have sex!  My doctor has prescribed me some Macrobid after I explained to her how this scenario goes for me.  She was SO cool about it!  I hadn’t even mentioned this whole thing to her til I asked about some way to avoid this problem.  She said anytime we had frequent or longer-than-usual intercourse, that I should take one of them.

I’ve only had it happen twice so far, and both times was a day or more later, but the Macrobid took care of it in one dose, so praise God!!  That’s a relief!

We have really been like a couple of teenagers around here and it seems every time we had “plans” for later in the day, SOMETHING would always happen!  For instance, when Tommy had to run shut off the pumps at the lake last week after the first of the severe storms?  Yep.  We had some plans.  There have been times when we had more visitors than we would get in three months all in one flippin’ day!!  Yep, we had them plans made then, too.  Sheesh!

I am still trying to process how I feel about all this.  I mean, obviously, I’m thrilled that we are finally able to be together without any pain.  I’m over-the-moon that not only is there no pain, there is actually enjoyment for me!  I honestly never ever thought I would be able to make love with my husband and not at least be uncomfortable.  And to find that I am now suggesting that we make love??  That’s just so beyond our comprehension!

Are you getting uncomfortable with all this sex talk?  Well, I’m sorry, but get over it.  We’ve been married all these years, suffered unbelievably and done untold damage to our marriage because of not being able to have sex together…I refuse to be quiet.  The whole purpose of sharing our story in the first place is in hopes of keeping other women or couples from suffering in silence the way we did for decades.    We felt we had NOWHERE to turn for answers or help.  I felt I was damaged, cursed, defective, worthless…you name it.  I felt I had been deserted by God and was being punished for some reason by having this one, most basic thing in our marriage cause me so much pain I wanted nothing to do with it.

I felt I was damaged, cursed, defective, worthless...you name it.

My poor husband, yes, he is a saint in my eyes.  To have remained faithful to me in all that time.  I know it was God who caused him to love me so much he couldn’t stand the thought of leaving me.  I mean, it just doesn’t make sense otherwise, ya know?  No man could love a woman so much that he’d go months and probably even a year or more between sexual encounters without Divine intervention.  Especially not a woman who was so hurt and angry as I was.  It is honestly bizarre that I actually want to be around Tommy now.  I mean, don’t get me wrong…I never stopped loving him.  I loved him even more when I realized he loved me so much that he put up with me!  But I was SO angry, SO depressed.  I just wanted to die.  With all the things going on in my life…conflict with my parents or boys or daughter-in-law, stress from various obligations I had, money worries and then the diabetes and the constant struggle to control it… I was a complete disaster.  And I took most of that out on him.

Looking at our lives now, I get this image of me…of my heart, all boarded up, overgrown, and closed to everyone and everything.  A lot like these shutters…closed so long that vines had overgrown it then died and regrown.  Over and over, waiting for someone or something to cut them away and pry the shutters open again.

My heart was closed to feeling love, desire...any sort of closeness.

It’s just overwhelming at times to realize how far we’ve come.  What we’ve come through…from barren wasteland to beautifully vibrant and growing.

chuckle  I guess this post has no purpose other than to praise God for the complete healing that’s taken place in our marriage.  We are truly more in love now than ever and it’s a total love, in every area of our lives.  Unlike most marriages where the physical side of love dies down the longer the marriage lasts, ours began as a dead garden that God has nurtured and “held out hope for” until His appointed time when He has brought us back to life.

If you are or have experienced this sort of problem in your marriage, please share or email me privately.  I’d love to hear how things are going or how they’ve happened for you.  I would LOVE to know that putting our story out there has helped someone.  It’s no small thing to put something so raw and private and painful out into cyberspace for the world to read.  We didn’t do it lightly or flippantly.  We did it for no other reason than that God urged us to share so that other couples could benefit from our experience.

Blessings!

G~

 


of being a blogger: a plea for help!


Hey y’all.  I’m working so hard, trying to increase traffic here…build an audience, a subscription list, whatever else a successful blogger does.  Most of the time, I feel like I’m just flopping around, splashing water into the floor, making a mess.

blogging sites

I see some steadiness in the amount of traffic, so I suspect some of you are just awesomely loyal readers and probably close friends who stop by often to see what crazy thing I’ve posted.  I am so thankful for you!

I know I’ve said it before, but this blogging thing is a big deal to me.  I started it after months and months of stewing and praying about whether I should even try.  I’ve blogged off and on for about 16 years, so it seemed like the natural thing for me to do…try to monetize the thing I am so passionate about.  I felt (and still feel, btw) that God was really nudging me in this direction and so, even though I didn’t feel completely ready, I took the plunge.  I plopped down what little was left from our tax refund and started this site.

Looking back, a month later now, I see many mistakes.  I think most of them are easily overcome though and not the kind that will break me or the blog.  I still don’t understand stupid AdSense or why my husband can get an account with them like snap that and me, with my two (now three!) google accounts, can’t get any of them approved.  I’m not sure I’m missing much though.  I’m learning that AdSense isn’t the end-all-be-all it has been purported to be, so I have pursued other means of generating income through my blog.

blogging for a living

Some of them I am pleased about, and some I will be glad when I can be done with.  And no, for the record, I haven’t made a single cent so far.  That really concerns me, but I have to remind myself how new it all is.  I can’t do it all at once and I need to be patient.

But BOY, is that hard!!

Today, when I went to look at a “blogging schedule” thingie I got from the web, for today it says to post about relaxing.   BAHAHAHA!!  What is that even?!?  I don’t have time right now to relax, and certainly not about the state of my blog.  Some of these ‘blog helps’ aren’t really geared toward me, ya know?  Many of the blogs in these groups are about how to create a successful website, how to find a niche to build, how to monetize and market whatever you are selling.

I just wanna share life with my readers.  I want to encourage and inspire.  I want my readers to leave feeling better than they did when they pulled up my site.  I want them to find the courage to go on, the determination to stick it out.  The comfort of knowing they are not alone, the peace of knowing someone else out here has been where they are.  I want the person with t1d to find a friend, someone to commiserate with and rejoice in whatever victories we accomplish as PWD’s.  (persons with diabetes)

diabetes and depression

I want the homeschooling mom to know she can do it and I know she can because I did it.  I want her to know that the great mistake she feels she’s made is not the end. That she and her children are far better off just because she tried to teach them at home, whether she continues or not.  And no matter what, as long as she is trying to do her very best for her kids, she is a winner!

homeschooling

I want that couple who is struggling with some sexual incompatibility or physical problem to know they are not alone.  I want them to realize it’s okay to talk about it and that there are people out here who can help, both professionals and people like me who have been there, done that.  I want that woman to know she’s not the first or only one to be facing what she is, and that she need not bury herself in depression and self-hatred or guilt because there is hope.  I want to keep her and her husband from living the hell that we did for 30 years and to find healing and hope!

lasting marriage statisticslasting marriage statistics

More than all this, I want people to know there is hope, no matter what the situation is, there is hope.  There is peace to be had, no matter how big the mess or how damaged their soul, Peace is there for the asking in the person of Jesus Christ.  I want them to know that it is because of Jesus that I am alive today.  That I’m able to share and talk about the issues, struggles and problems in my life.  Ultimately, I believe this is the reason God has been urging me to write.

jesus loves me

I haven’t touched my book in over 6 months, but perhaps soon I’ll dig back into it.  I still feel He is calling me to write it, but I’m at another crossroad about which direction to take with it.  (ANY feedback would be appreciated on this, folks!!)  The book has lived in my head for many years as a sort-of memoir, a story of my life and how I have dealt with diabetes, the depression and all the other physical and emotional side effects of having a chronic disease for so long.  However, as we have come to this place of healing in our marriage, I feel THAT is also a topic that needs to be shared.  It, of course, is much more personal, deeply painful but ultimately hopeful since our long journey through this has ended with our beginning the healing process.  My conundrum is should these be separate or combined?

how to write a book

You probably didn’t know this, but I have a problem with compartmentalizing.  ha ha! Meaning, I can’t do it.  You may have noticed I began this post talking about the blog and now, here I am asking for input and suggestions for a direction of a book!  I need help with my wandering mind, my rambling style of writing.

I know there are some writers out there who read here occasionally.  I also know there are lots of readers who come here too.  I want to hear from you!    What appeals to you in a book?  What topics are you most interested in?  What are you most interested in learning more about?  Help me out!

I look forward to a great discussion and some awesome feedback and suggestions!  Let’s help each other!

Blessings,

G~


what’s love got to do with it?


*Disclaimer: I always hated that song, even though it was a hit during the peak of my teenage-music-loving days. (Sorry, Tina!) Read on to see why.

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I was just out of high school when I got married. I wouldn’t Read More »