Tag: sex problems in marriage


the enemy of marriage (& a poll!)


The only thing you have to do to fail at marriage is NOTHING

So you probably get it by now that I am in favor of marriage.  Marriage is important.  It’s vitally important to defend and fight for your marriage.  No matter what’s going on, aside from outright abuse, your marriage is worth a fight.  It’s worth laying aside all your pride, rolling up your sleeves and getting in the mud and muck and fighting like all of hell is after you.  Because it is.

Satan hates a strong, godly marriage where the family puts God first and rejects the world’s image of disposable marriages, discounted vows, discouraged couples and disaffected children, dismantled stability, discarded families.  You’d better believe he’s after your marriage.

The only thing you have to do to fail at marriage is NOTHING

As you’ve seen, if you have read here much at all, our marriage was very atypical in many ways.  We didn’t have that crazy first year with tons of sex and exploring our intimate life together, figuring out what we liked best, what each other wanted most, etc.  Our first year was confusing…bewildering even.  We didn’t understand why sex was so hard for us…for me.  We were still hanging on to hope that time would take care of the issues, that it was just a matter of “trying more” or getting used to it…or SOMEthing!!

By the time we finally decided we needed medical help, we had been dealing with it for ten years, had two kids and for all intents and purposes, we looked like every other young couple.  Nobody knew how we were struggling.  We didn’t talk to anyone about it, not even each other except to yell when the frustration became too much.

I want to get Tommy to sit down with me and do a video.  I’m not sure what he’ll think about that ha ha but I think it would be good for him to at least say a little bit about his side of things.  We are both healing together.  Even though the physical side of the problem was mine as far as the pain went, and perhaps I bore more of the depression and stuff like that, but he carried a lot of emotional pain as well.

We’ve never talked a whole lot about that.  I mean, I have shared a little, just me and him, about how I felt and then of course, he’s heard me relate it to my therapist and read what I’ve written here about it, but we’ve never really discussed his side so much.

He might not want to.  Maybe he never knew how to voice it or maybe it hurt too much to speak out loud.  I have been in that place too, where I didn’t know how to put into words the way I felt.

I know there are a few men who read here, or at least they have at one time.  heh  I would like to hear from ALL of you, what you would ask Tommy?  Are there parts of this story that you’d like his take on?  Are there things that you would like to know from his side?

Please put those in the comments for us?  I would really love for us to have a conversation about where he was, emotionally, and where he is now as we are in the healing process.  What would he have done differently?  What would he keep the same, if anything?  What made him choose to stay?  Did he really still  have hope that our sex life would ever be remotely normal?  Those are the questions I want to ask.  I’m not sure I’ll like the answers, but I think it’s important for us to flesh this out and I feel like maybe others could benefit from hearing his viewpoint.

DON’T FORGET!  Leave your questions in the comments!  (or you can email them to me at:  geannie [at] lifeindogyears [dot] com)

THANK YOU!!

Blessings,

G~


healing at long last…


I felt cursed...

Hey y’all.  I have some things on my mind and you know how that goes.  smile  I’m gonna try to sift through them here if you don’t mind.  Any insights or commentary is always appreciated!

So…I alluded Monday to the fact that things are going well in the s-e-x department at my house.  Hahaha… stop laughing!  stifles a giggle  If you’re new here and don’t know our back story, please read this first so you’ll be up on everything.

Did you read it?  Okay, let’s proceed.  So yeah, it’s a little weird to have been married for almost 31 years and feel the way we do these days.  I think I can truly say that the healing is complete.  I’ve lost count of our “encounters” in the past couple of weeks and that is just amazing!  I used to consistently get bladder spasms or sometimes a full-on UTI every time we had sex.  That’s understandable since it would be long periods of time in between!  I finally learned to get up pretty quickly, go pee and avoided some of those, but sometimes, I’d get one in spite of that.  I’m not one of those gals who can have a bladder issue or UTI and not even know it.  No.  I KNOW when I have it.  It creates tremendous pain, unbelievable spasms and frequency which keeps me at home and close to a bathroom.  It’s horrible, so it was a real pain to deal with.  Yet another reason why I never wanted to have sex!  My doctor has prescribed me some Macrobid after I explained to her how this scenario goes for me.  She was SO cool about it!  I hadn’t even mentioned this whole thing to her til I asked about some way to avoid this problem.  She said anytime we had frequent or longer-than-usual intercourse, that I should take one of them.

I’ve only had it happen twice so far, and both times was a day or more later, but the Macrobid took care of it in one dose, so praise God!!  That’s a relief!

We have really been like a couple of teenagers around here and it seems every time we had “plans” for later in the day, SOMETHING would always happen!  For instance, when Tommy had to run shut off the pumps at the lake last week after the first of the severe storms?  Yep.  We had some plans.  There have been times when we had more visitors than we would get in three months all in one flippin’ day!!  Yep, we had them plans made then, too.  Sheesh!

I am still trying to process how I feel about all this.  I mean, obviously, I’m thrilled that we are finally able to be together without any pain.  I’m over-the-moon that not only is there no pain, there is actually enjoyment for me!  I honestly never ever thought I would be able to make love with my husband and not at least be uncomfortable.  And to find that I am now suggesting that we make love??  That’s just so beyond our comprehension!

Are you getting uncomfortable with all this sex talk?  Well, I’m sorry, but get over it.  We’ve been married all these years, suffered unbelievably and done untold damage to our marriage because of not being able to have sex together…I refuse to be quiet.  The whole purpose of sharing our story in the first place is in hopes of keeping other women or couples from suffering in silence the way we did for decades.    We felt we had NOWHERE to turn for answers or help.  I felt I was damaged, cursed, defective, worthless…you name it.  I felt I had been deserted by God and was being punished for some reason by having this one, most basic thing in our marriage cause me so much pain I wanted nothing to do with it.

I felt I was damaged, cursed, defective, worthless...you name it.

My poor husband, yes, he is a saint in my eyes.  To have remained faithful to me in all that time.  I know it was God who caused him to love me so much he couldn’t stand the thought of leaving me.  I mean, it just doesn’t make sense otherwise, ya know?  No man could love a woman so much that he’d go months and probably even a year or more between sexual encounters without Divine intervention.  Especially not a woman who was so hurt and angry as I was.  It is honestly bizarre that I actually want to be around Tommy now.  I mean, don’t get me wrong…I never stopped loving him.  I loved him even more when I realized he loved me so much that he put up with me!  But I was SO angry, SO depressed.  I just wanted to die.  With all the things going on in my life…conflict with my parents or boys or daughter-in-law, stress from various obligations I had, money worries and then the diabetes and the constant struggle to control it… I was a complete disaster.  And I took most of that out on him.

Looking at our lives now, I get this image of me…of my heart, all boarded up, overgrown, and closed to everyone and everything.  A lot like these shutters…closed so long that vines had overgrown it then died and regrown.  Over and over, waiting for someone or something to cut them away and pry the shutters open again.

My heart was closed to feeling love, desire...any sort of closeness.

It’s just overwhelming at times to realize how far we’ve come.  What we’ve come through…from barren wasteland to beautifully vibrant and growing.

chuckle  I guess this post has no purpose other than to praise God for the complete healing that’s taken place in our marriage.  We are truly more in love now than ever and it’s a total love, in every area of our lives.  Unlike most marriages where the physical side of love dies down the longer the marriage lasts, ours began as a dead garden that God has nurtured and “held out hope for” until His appointed time when He has brought us back to life.

If you are or have experienced this sort of problem in your marriage, please share or email me privately.  I’d love to hear how things are going or how they’ve happened for you.  I would LOVE to know that putting our story out there has helped someone.  It’s no small thing to put something so raw and private and painful out into cyberspace for the world to read.  We didn’t do it lightly or flippantly.  We did it for no other reason than that God urged us to share so that other couples could benefit from our experience.

Blessings!

G~