So you probably get it by now that I am in favor of marriage. Marriage is important. It’s vitally important to defend and fight for your marriage. No matter what’s going on, aside from outright abuse, your marriage is worth a fight. It’s worth laying aside all your pride, rolling up your sleeves and getting in the mud and muck and fighting like all of hell is after you. Because it is.
Satan hates a strong, godly marriage where the family puts God first and rejects the world’s image of disposable marriages, discounted vows, discouraged couples and disaffected children, dismantled stability, discarded families. You’d better believe he’s after your marriage.
As you’ve seen, if you have read here much at all, our marriage was very atypical in many ways. We didn’t have that crazy first year with tons of sex and exploring our intimate life together, figuring out what we liked best, what each other wanted most, etc. Our first year was confusing…bewildering even. We didn’t understand why sex was so hard for us…for me. We were still hanging on to hope that time would take care of the issues, that it was just a matter of “trying more” or getting used to it…or SOMEthing!!
By the time we finally decided we needed medical help, we had been dealing with it for ten years, had two kids and for all intents and purposes, we looked like every other young couple. Nobody knew how we were struggling. We didn’t talk to anyone about it, not even each other except to yell when the frustration became too much.
I want to get Tommy to sit down with me and do a video. I’m not sure what he’ll think about that ha ha but I think it would be good for him to at least say a little bit about his side of things. We are both healing together. Even though the physical side of the problem was mine as far as the pain went, and perhaps I bore more of the depression and stuff like that, but he carried a lot of emotional pain as well.
We’ve never talked a whole lot about that. I mean, I have shared a little, just me and him, about how I felt and then of course, he’s heard me relate it to my therapist and read what I’ve written here about it, but we’ve never really discussed his side so much.
He might not want to. Maybe he never knew how to voice it or maybe it hurt too much to speak out loud. I have been in that place too, where I didn’t know how to put into words the way I felt.
I know there are a few men who read here, or at least they have at one time. heh I would like to hear from ALL of you, what you would ask Tommy? Are there parts of this story that you’d like his take on? Are there things that you would like to know from his side?
Please put those in the comments for us? I would really love for us to have a conversation about where he was, emotionally, and where he is now as we are in the healing process. What would he have done differently? What would he keep the same, if anything? What made him choose to stay? Did he really still have hope that our sex life would ever be remotely normal? Those are the questions I want to ask. I’m not sure I’ll like the answers, but I think it’s important for us to flesh this out and I feel like maybe others could benefit from hearing his viewpoint.
DON’T FORGET! Leave your questions in the comments! (or you can email them to me at: geannie [at] lifeindogyears [dot] com)
Hey y’all. I have some things on my mind and you know how that goes. smile I’m gonna try to sift through them here if you don’t mind. Any insights or commentary is always appreciated!
So…I alluded Monday to the fact that things are going well in the s-e-x department at my house. Hahaha… stop laughing! stifles a giggle If you’re new here and don’t know our back story, please read this first so you’ll be up on everything.
Did you read it? Okay, let’s proceed. So yeah, it’s a little weird to have been married for almost 31 years and feel the way we do these days. I think I can truly say that the healing is complete. I’ve lost count of our “encounters” in the past couple of weeks and that is just amazing! I used to consistently get bladder spasms or sometimes a full-on UTI every time we had sex. That’s understandable since it would be long periods of time in between! I finally learned to get up pretty quickly, go pee and avoided some of those, but sometimes, I’d get one in spite of that. I’m not one of those gals who can have a bladder issue or UTI and not even know it. No. I KNOW when I have it. It creates tremendous pain, unbelievable spasms and frequency which keeps me at home and close to a bathroom. It’s horrible, so it was a real pain to deal with. Yet another reason why I never wanted to have sex! My doctor has prescribed me some Macrobid after I explained to her how this scenario goes for me. She was SO cool about it! I hadn’t even mentioned this whole thing to her til I asked about some way to avoid this problem. She said anytime we had frequent or longer-than-usual intercourse, that I should take one of them.
I’ve only had it happen twice so far, and both times was a day or more later, but the Macrobid took care of it in one dose, so praise God!! That’s a relief!
We have really been like a couple of teenagers around here and it seems every time we had “plans” for later in the day, SOMETHING would always happen! For instance, when Tommy had to run shut off the pumps at the lake last week after the first of the severe storms? Yep. We had some plans. There have been times when we had more visitors than we would get in three months all in one flippin’ day!! Yep, we had them plans made then, too. Sheesh!
I am still trying to process how I feel about all this. I mean, obviously, I’m thrilled that we are finally able to be together without any pain. I’m over-the-moon that not only is there no pain, there is actually enjoyment for me! I honestly never ever thought I would be able to make love with my husband and not at least be uncomfortable. And to find that I am now suggesting that we make love?? That’s just so beyond our comprehension!
Are you getting uncomfortable with all this sex talk? Well, I’m sorry, but get over it. We’ve been married all these years, suffered unbelievably and done untold damage to our marriage because of not being able to have sex together…I refuse to be quiet. The whole purpose of sharing our story in the first place is in hopes of keeping other women or couples from suffering in silence the way we did for decades. We felt we had NOWHERE to turn for answers or help. I felt I was damaged, cursed, defective, worthless…you name it. I felt I had been deserted by God and was being punished for some reason by having this one, most basic thing in our marriage cause me so much pain I wanted nothing to do with it.
My poor husband, yes, he is a saint in my eyes. To have remained faithful to me in all that time. I know it was God who caused him to love me so much he couldn’t stand the thought of leaving me. I mean, it just doesn’t make sense otherwise, ya know? No man could love a woman so much that he’d go months and probably even a year or more between sexual encounters without Divine intervention. Especially not a woman who was so hurt and angry as I was. It is honestly bizarre that I actually want to be around Tommy now. I mean, don’t get me wrong…I never stopped loving him. I loved him even more when I realized he loved me so much that he put up with me! But I was SO angry, SO depressed. I just wanted to die. With all the things going on in my life…conflict with my parents or boys or daughter-in-law, stress from various obligations I had, money worries and then the diabetes and the constant struggle to control it… I was a complete disaster. And I took most of that out on him.
Looking at our lives now, I get this image of me…of my heart, all boarded up, overgrown, and closed to everyone and everything. A lot like these shutters…closed so long that vines had overgrown it then died and regrown. Over and over, waiting for someone or something to cut them away and pry the shutters open again.
It’s just overwhelming at times to realize how far we’ve come. What we’ve come through…from barren wasteland to beautifully vibrant and growing.
chuckle I guess this post has no purpose other than to praise God for the complete healing that’s taken place in our marriage. We are truly more in love now than ever and it’s a total love, in every area of our lives. Unlike most marriages where the physical side of love dies down the longer the marriage lasts, ours began as a dead garden that God has nurtured and “held out hope for” until His appointed time when He has brought us back to life.
If you are or have experienced this sort of problem in your marriage, please share or email me privately. I’d love to hear how things are going or how they’ve happened for you. I would LOVE to know that putting our story out there has helped someone. It’s no small thing to put something so raw and private and painful out into cyberspace for the world to read. We didn’t do it lightly or flippantly. We did it for no other reason than that God urged us to share so that other couples could benefit from our experience.
Unlike Monday, this Tuesday was good. I didn’t feel super, but good enough to work in the garden. We haven’t put one out in a couple years. The last times we have, we’ve done it all by ourselves. It seemed like no one else was in the mood for it. We’d get comments about how it was too much work, it was cheaper to buy from the store or we weren’t keeping it the way “you’re supposed to”. That just meant we were doing something different than the way they or previous generations did it. sigh As you might guess, we get those kinds of comments about pretty much everything we do!
Dad just doesn’t and didn’t want to fool with the garden at all.It seems Mom has been the one suddenly just dying to have a garden this year. Every time she’d send Dad down to the house with the tractor and plow, if Tommy was around he’d make at least one comment about it, letting us all know he was completely against the idea. Actually, last time he had Tommy’s ear bent for almost 45 minutes! ha ha
Anyway, so after dumping the chicken poops all over the garden for the past couple years and getting it worked into the ground, we have probably the best-looking dirt we’ve ever had! YAY! The ground here is very clay-heavy and has never grown anything, including grass (see that bald spot at the lower left of the photo? ‘ats what I’m sayin’!) We’ve brought in cow manure in years past so every year we try to enhance the soil somehow. But this year it is just more rich-looking and less hard/crusty/mud-rocky. We are hopeful to get a lot better results this year! After looking at the following photo, it doesn’t really appear to be the greatest soil, but it is dry so just trust me, that dirt is the best we’ve ever had to plant!
our garden, all ready to plant!
Tommy took off work because that’s the only way we’ve ever been able to get a garden out without working into the night and pulling out all sorts of lights, fighting shadows and all that craziness. Today however, we had Mom and my brother-in-law, Dale, helping us! Mom often has Dale help her with things and already had him lined up to help with planting on Wednesday though I’m not sure why since she hadn’t mentioned it to us, but ANYhow, she was able to suddenly change his plans (I’m laughing because Mom does that kinda thing SO often!) and we had help!
Mom has to be careful because she’s got some kind of weird spasm thing in her shoulders, so I had to keep her from overdoing. She will get herself completely down in the bed just from something like sweeping or chopping vegetables. She could help drop seed and cover plants though, so we were able to actually get the entire garden planted, including putting up our “bean fence” which is a little labor intense, but is the best way we’ve found to keep the beans clean and give them plenty of room to vine. We put out several varieties of tomatoes and peppers, some broccoli seedlings, 45 day cabbage, squash and zucchini, two kinds of potatoes, cucumbers, a rhubarb plant, green beans and even some romaine lettuce.
the garden, all planted and ready to grow! God bless it with increase, please!
Tommy and I were SO glad to have that done. We weren’t expecting to have help so what normally would have taken us at least two days went much faster! Mom was tired, but we finally got her to go home when we were down to just filling in the last empty area of the garden with beans.
She was insistent that we put out a ton of beans. I would normally not put any more than goes around our bean fence, which amounts to four rows, but she wanted more, so we have eight rows, four of which aren’t on any sort of support. I don’t like picking dirty beans. Well wait, I don’t like picking beans at all, but especially if I have to crawl around in the dirt. That’s why we go to the trouble of putting up that fence. It keeps them up off the ground and they’re much easier to pick! I could tell Mom thought it was just crazy for us to spend the time and labor to put up our fence. I’ll be curious to see how much trouble she thinks it was when she’s having to deal with her extra rows on the ground. ha ha
I am sore and really tired and “sun-kissed”…well, aggressively sun-kissed, but not burned, thank God! My hands, which tend to get random, weird (probably neuropathy-related) itching-blisters anyway got even more torn up, but at least not itching.
my poor, sad diabetic/gardener hands
I went in, took a shower to wash the grit off and sacked out! Poor Tommy had to go do some running for the Jeep project, so he ended up coming in quite a bit later.
We have sewn the seed, now for God to send the right amounts of sun and rain and deliver the increase! Let it be so, we pray!
Blessings to you!
I just wanted to let you guys know about this. They are running an awesome deal on Cricut! I thought this was a terrific deal and I have ALWAYS WANTED A CRICUT! Maybe one of these days, I’ll have one! Ha ha…
For those of you who are closer to “the dream” of owning one than I am, this one’s for you!
If your house is anything like mine, your husband and kids wouldn’t mind some help figuring out what you’d like for Mother’s Day! Tell them not to worry about it. You have it all taken care of… “and thank you!” 🙂
Okay y’all… you’ll have to extend some grace here. I had my 30th wedding anniversary last week and I’m just now posting about it!
Yes, we were just babies in 1985.
There have been times, over the years, that it wouldn’t have taken much for either of us to just walk away. It’s been hard at times. There have also been amazing, awesome, wonderful times, of course. But those storms when it seems there’s no chance of escaping in one piece can shake you to the core.
But God… If not for having Him in our lives and in our marriage, we surely would not have made it for thirty years. Of course, we can do nothing on our own, but we like to think we can. We so easily forget that it’s only by the will of God that we even breathe let alone move, think, walk and talk.
I’m so thankful that He intervened so many times in our marriage. I have always felt really glad that both Hubby and I had intact families (neither of our parental units have divorced) and have two examples of half-century marriages to look to, although… *giggle* our marriage looks nothing like either of theirs.
And we don’t want it to! We exchange knowing looks of agreement when either set of our parents are doing something we find annoying and we’ll laugh or commiserate later that we’re SO glad we don’t “___whatever___” like they do. I’m sure our kids have the same feelings about us and I guess that’s how life is.
We make our own lives and our own favorite ways of being a couple.
Speaking of the kids, July has become Anniversary Month around here. Our oldest son and his wife
celebrated seven years of marriage the week before our 30th anniversary, after which our youngest son & his wife
had their first-ever anniversary! Yep, all within three weeks.
I’m not sure how that happened, but I think it’s kinda cool. And convenient too in that none of us can quite forget any of the others’ anniversaries. Ha ha!
I have to admit…I was feeling pretty bummed that we didn’t have any kind of “real” celebration for our 30th though. I mean, that’s supposed to be some kind of milestone, isn’t it? I sure don’t know many couples our age who have been married even half this long. I remember having “dreams” if you will, of being able to take a cruise for our 25th anniversary, but that didn’t happen. Not for lack of wanting on either of our parts, but for lack of funds? You betcha. So five years ago, we plunked down a chunk on a room for the night way high on this mountain, and it was awesome.
It just would have been more awesome if I hadn’t worried about money the whole time. *sigh* And here we were five years later, and once again, absolutely no funds for any kind of get-away or even a room for the night somewhere.
I was getting really bummed. We talked about maybe going to do the Virginia Creeper trail, which is a cycling thing, and that would have been great, but the drive was so long that we’d have been killed to have driven there, ride the trail and then drive back home in one day, so we didn’t even attempt it rather than go and not enjoy it.
After having to replace our air conditioner system (lighting hit it) and then just the week before our anniversary, our water heater broke, saturating the carpet in our bedroom and adding another big expense we couldn’t afford… we just didn’t have any extra money for anything big.
I had spent the week being really sad over it to the point I just didn’t want to do anything. However, the day arrived, a Sunday, and my best friend from high school, who I hadn’t seen in probably 10 or more years, who has recently moved back here with her newly-adopted TWO YEAR OLD son!!! She was coming to our church and wanted to see if we could meet and at least sit together. Of all days for this to happen, on our 30th anniversary had to be a “God thing” because this sweet lady was my one and only “bridal party”..my maid of honor!!! How cool is that??
So, we got to meet her adorable little guy, visit for a bit, then we took off. We’d gotten a coupon for a free appetizer at a restaurant we like, but there’s not one near us, so before I even knew what he was doing, Hubby was on the interstate and all he’d say was we were going to eat.
We drove 100 miles away, found the restaurant and had a great meal. By this time, God had worked on my sour attitude and I was just enjoying time with my husband of 30 whole years. I began to think about how hard-working and caring he is. How he’s encouraged me to try harder and do more than I ever would have attempted myself.
Later, we stopped in a couple of surplus home goods stores and bought a few little items, found a gorgeous duvet cover with shams for our king size bed for just $18!! Then we walked through the other place, that was more for builders I guess.. it had furniture and decor and we saw some gorgeous items that gave us some inspirations for future improvements on the house.
Then we went to a couple of health food stores and he helped me pick out meals for the coming week. His request, saying “since it’s our anniversary”… LOL! is for me to start eating better.
and then stopped at the Walmart at home to pick up some batteries we needed and I bought us a selfie stick. See?
This is the photo I sent to the kids showing them how techno-savvy their parents are. HAHAHA!!
And so, our 30th anniversary came and went and left me with a sense of satisfaction. I am sad that I’ve wasted so many years being dissatisfied with things, life, people, myself… but I am doing my best to change things now.
And I’m looking forward to reaching our 50th anniversary and yes, still hoping we might have a bit bigger celebration by that time. But if not, I know that’ll be okay too.
We have each other and we’re happy. That’s enough.
Philippians 4:11-12 – “Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.”