Tag: writing

creative juices and such

So, I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to write the book lately.  Yesterday was a good good day!  YESSSS!

my ancient laptop

Yes. I’m working with an ancient laptop. Maybe the book would make enough money I could afford a new one? HA!


I wrote another 3,000 words yesterday.  I just never realized how hard it would be once I actually sat down to write out the words.  I mean, it’s not like I’m having to develop characters and come up with a decent storyline, right?  This is my life I’m writing about.

But MAN!!  It is much harder than I thought it would be.

My first “block” was trying to figure out the best way to approach the writing.  I mean, like first person, third person…do I use fictitious names?  Do I write as if I were telling the story about someone else then reveal that it’s me?

Then came the nightmare of realizing that if I write it, they might read it. (cue Field of Dreams“if you build it, they will come”) Ha ha.  Meaning my family.  This isn’t a story about some horrid abuse-ravaged childhood.  It’s about a dysfunctional family and who doesn’t have one of those, right? I believe there are no perfect families and even if there IS one, I’m convinced that somewhere inside that family, you will find at least one sort of dysfunction. None of us have the perfect family. In MY mind, saying I come from a dysfunctional family isn’t like throwing down the gauntlet.  It’s not a “dirty word”, but to some in my family, it may very well be. I began to agonize over how different people would take my story if I really told everything I want to tell.  Even though I have/will write in the forward that the book is about the state of past relationships and that healing and restoration has since taken place with assurances that I love my family, yadda, yadda.  I still worried.

Some things have changed since then.  Even more restoration has taken place and so, even though I’m not going to talk to my immediate family (besides my hubby and kids, I mean) about writing this book, I feel like once it’s (ever?) done, I will be able to hand it to them and say, “Read it knowing that I wrote it so that other people might benefit from what I’ve been through.  I wrote it to exorcise my own ghosts and I wrote it to keep my mind from exploding.  I never, EVER wrote a word of it with the intent to hurt anyone.  I wrote what is true.  I wrote what I remember, I wrote how I felt, I wrote how the things that happened changed and shaped me.  I tried to make it very clear throughout that I love my family dearly and I hope you can keep that in mind.”  Then, I’ll hope and pray that certain of them can read it or even think of it without worrying how someone else will think about it or making up grand scenarios of how others will perceive the book.

deep breath

I don’t know if that’s possible, but I’ve gotten to the point where that is much less a deterrent than it was before.

The other thing I’ve run into is how to put it all together.  I mean, there are various health events that take place and I want to share some details of what I went through physically because the bizarre-ness of those things is part of the story, but I also want to tell how I was doing emotionally.  It’s hard to do both at the same time.  That probably doesn’t make sense, but it’s true.

In the end, I’ve decided to just write it the way I do most everything else.  In my own “special” way.  Ha ha.  Most people say they enjoy reading the stories I’ve written and shared over the years.  They say they like the conversational style of my writing, so I’m just going with that.  I’m sure it would be frowned upon by professionals and teachers, but it’s all I know to do at this point.

If you wish to be a writer, write.

Something else I considered in the very beginning was writing my story without much of the uglier details.  The things I feared (and still somewhat fear!) would upset my family the most.

Look, I’ve come to the point where I have shared some extremely intimate details about my marriage with all of cyberspace, surely I can be honest about a fight I had…

I wrestled with that one for a long time but I couldn’t figure out how to tell my story while purposely leaving out important details.  I couldn’t figure out how to explain those details without exposing what really took place.  Those details are all very pertinent to the whole story, so I couldn’t leave them out.

I figured Look, I’ve come to the point where I have shared some extremely intimate details about my marriage with all of cyberspace, surely I can be honest about a fight I had with my sister or mom.  Surely I can tell what really happened in this, what I consider to be more minor, event.  Maybe to them it won’t be as minor.  Like I said, I’m telling it all.  The ugly parts too.  I feel like that should be okay when I am wrapping it all up in the fact that things didn’t stay that way.  Things got better.  Repairs were made, apologies stated, forgiveness received and restoration happened.  Why then, would it not be okay to share why those things were ever necessary?  How do you help people deal with their own dysfunction if you aren’t honest about your own?

Anyway, this is where I stand with the book.  The one I have carried around in my mind for decades.  The one I never told anyone I even wanted to write until recently.  If you have tips or any constructive info that would help, I’d love to hear it.  At this point, I am finally in the space created by learning what Epictetus said from the photo above… if you wanna be a writer, then write!  I’ve heard that from many people, from online book-writing courses, etc.  So I’m writing.  That will probably slow down blog progress even more, but I will come share my progress until something crazy happens that I just have to share here!  grin

If you would like to help me with this, I am looking for some proofreaders!  I don’t know how long it will be before I’m ready to share, but I really do need some people who would be willing to read what I have and share their thoughts with me.  In exchange, you will be publicly thanked in the book.  I’m told that’s a fair compensation.

Hahahaha!  I dunno though.  If you think it’s really bad, you might ask for more!

If you’d like to proofread for me, please send me a message or comment here!

geannie {at} live {dot} com






the countdown is on!

I just spotted this on Facebook and it’s got me all like AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

countdown:  19 days to Master Lab 2016


So yeah, I said I was less nervous about this whole thing and that’s true.  However, I didn’t say how long that lessened nervousness would last now, did I?

Ha ha ha… hopefully it will not get too intense, but I’m sure in the days before take off, I’ll get the butterflies back.

I have pretty much everything I’m going to take with me, so no more searching for this or that thing.  I’m beginning to get into list-making mode.  Hopefully, I won’t lose EVERY list I make between now and then.  Yes, I’m one of those people.  I love lists and find them very helpful, but I am also a list-loser.  I can’t tell you how many times I find myself sitting in the grocery store parking lot either digging frantically in my bag, wondering where in the world that list go to “I KNOW I put it in my purse!” or with that stomach-dropping realization “Crap!  That list is sitting on the island in the kitchen!”  And no, I don’t do well with app lists or list apps or… you know, lists on my phone.

I’m not sure why, but I can’t quite feel it’s a “real” list if I can’t mark through items with a pen, ya know?  So yeah…I think I’ll use a notebook for my packing lists.  Maybe that way at least they won’t get lost in the shuffle around here so easily.

I’m trying not to overthink things too much.  Like, I am really wondering how much free time there will be.  Why?  Well, 1: because I don’t want to get bored!  and 2: if there will be a good amount of free time, I’d like to be able to prepare in some way to fill that time.  The best I can tell, there’s not a whole lot of sight-see-y things within walking distance of the hotel, but then again, how can I be sure?  I was hoping to find that out, but no such luck online.  I searched “free things to do within walking distance of ‘our hotel'” but came up with stuff up to 10 miles away.  C’MON!  I mean, sure, if I had all day, I could walk 10 miles to see something great, but um, in July Florida weather with probably only minutes (not hours) to kill?  Um, no.

So maybe we will just wander around the grounds…  I just want to make the most of the time I’m there.  (see what I mean about overthinking?  I am SO good at it!)

My roomie Ally and I have been tossing around ideas without much luck.  I am so looking forward to meeting her.  There’s also another couple of fellas I’ve “met” online who will be at Master Lab as well and want to look up for a face-to-face.

I haven’t had time to think about how likely I am to feel out of my element anymore.  I’m sure I’ll have time for that on the plane?  Bahaha!  I start thinking,

“Listen, Geannie, who do you think you are going to some conference with a bunch of leaders and full-on advocates with degrees and professional credentials and such?  You are going to look like such a hick!  Your blog is so piddly and gets so few readers and visits, you’re going to get laughed out of that place!…etc., etc.”

I start thinking about my big plans for this lucrative blog that would be of interest to so many people and then I look at my stats and think, “What a foolish idea!”   

Ahhh…but then I realize who it is feeding me this negativity and I realize my “new blog” isn’t even six months old yet.  I realize not everyone at this thing in Orlando will be the “big wig” I think they are or at least, won’t behave like one perhaps.  I realize that this is more about networking and socializing, about making new connections and paving new avenues in the diabetes-support world, about ways to make things better for diabetics with better support, better laws, better treatment and education.   And I still feel deep inside that urge to share my life, my stories and thoughts in an effort to encourage others, to help people feel less alone, more understood and I know in my heart this whole blog thing was something I was meant to do.  I may not have found the perfect way to do it yet, but doing it is non-negotiable.  I NEED to be doing this!

countdown to ML2016 is on!

Lord willing “and the creek don’t rise”, I will be able to do more videos soon.  Seems like I can never get them done when I want or the way I want… I’m still such a noob at it!  And I also want Tommy to be in the first few and getting him to sit still without falling asleep these days is about impossible.  (let’s not get me started on how beyond ready I am for these other-people projects to be DONE! and for him to stop feeling so pressured to kill himself and get things done for everyone else…let’s don’t even go there right now…ARGH!  and let’s be clear… HE doesn’t necessarily feel that way, but I do because I know how he is about that kinda thing…always feels so pressed to complete stuff for others, whether it’s a paid job or not…sigh)

So…ANYway..here we go!  Countdown time!  I still haven’t called TSA Cares, so that’s next thing on my list to do next week.  I have a hair appointment Wednesday so I can hopefully get my mop under control with time enough to grow out of the “new haircut” stage.  Hopefully, I can work in at least a pedicure before d-day.  A manicure too would be super-nice, but we’ll see.  Max will also need a trip to the groomer before I leave…he’s getting a little shaggy already and I don’t want to come back to a ratty mess-of-a-pooch!  Silly Max

Heaven knows Tommy isn’t likely to bathe him while I’m gone.  I’m sure he’ll be in the shop, working himself to death while I’m not here to shake my finger at him and tell him he needs his rest!

Now, I’m heading back outside to pull weeds from the landscaping for awhile.  Get my mind off this stuff and soak in a little sunshine.

Wishing you all a blessed weekend and a beautiful Lord’s day tomorrow!




craving creativity & him…

the worst is missing someone you see every day!

The thing about starting a blog, or reinventing a blog might be a better description in my case, with a focus on turning it into a career of sorts is that, when you are not super-tech-savvy, you end up spending hours trying to “get educated.”  When you spend hours upon hours attempting to educate yourself about how best to “launch” and “optimize” and “mobile-friendly-ize” and “promote” and “superfluffenate” your site, you don’t have the time or energy to actually write!

Yeah, for those who are wondering, I made that last one up just now.

But that’s about how it all sounds to me by the time I’ve spent a few hours trying to understand one of these techie concepts for making this site “the best”.

So I am craving the time or maybe the permission to just write.  To just let my mind unload and sort and to perhaps even arrange a comprehensible post to share with you all.

I’d like to tell you about the great time we had with all four of the kids here Sunday to cook out.  How rare it is for that to happen.  How Tommy and I are a bit concerned that some of the kids seemed a little distant.  How we’re not sure if it’s just a busy time for them or if we should prod a little and find out what’s up.  How we worry that maybe we worry too much.  Heh.  I’d like to tell you how, at long last, they’ve almost got Casey’s Jeep back together so at least one of Tommy’s projects will be done soon and maybe I can get my husband back for awhile.

the worst thing is missing someone you see every day!

About how I sometimes get so bummed when he comes home from work with the phone stuck to his ear, still dealing with problems there or chatting it up with a friend and I am left standing on the porch, waiting for him to actually, totally “get home”.  How even though he tries to let me know he is glad to see me by rushing in for a quick “hi” before heading out to the shop for the rest of the night, I begin to feel abandoned after a few weeks of this.

And then I think about all the years we actually existed in this sort of state for months at a time.  I guess it stirs up the way I felt during our “dark secret” years and makes me feel hollow and sad.  I don’t want to go back to that, but sometimes there’s just not a lot either of us can do about it.  And when it’s not his work or an emergency that creates this situation, it makes it even harder to keep resentment at bay, ya know?

SoooOOOoooo…there you have it.  Between feeling super-frustrated that this site isn’t doing better

(am I being too impatient?  is my content that bad?  is there too much diversity with my topics?  am I just a lot more boring than I thought?  or is it actually that I don’t have all those techie things figured out and employed?  ARGH!)

and feeling pretty lonely at home, I’m in a funk.  My brain is tired from trying to figure all the stuff out, from wondering why I don’t have more subscribers or likes or comments and when you add the fact that I’m just physically tired (more tired than I should be, in my opinion) and I’m worrying about how that’s gonna affect this trip to Orlando, it just has me all messed up inside.

I know this is just a season, a phase, a moment in time and things will get better as time goes on.  But I am impatient and I’m fretful.  When it comes to my marriage and the healing that we’ve had, I don’t wanna mess around with it.  I don’t want to risk falling into old habits and bottle everything up the way I used to do.

I know God will honor our intentions to protect our marriage, to not take for granted how He has miraculously held us together and healed us.  We just have to be sure those are more than just intentions!  We have to turn them into actions.

I’m a little more than awed at the way the scripture from Sunday’s sermon (thanks, Terrance Brooks!) applies to this situation…

Revelation 2:5  “Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.”



of being a blogger: a plea for help!

Hey y’all.  I’m working so hard, trying to increase traffic here…build an audience, a subscription list, whatever else a successful blogger does.  Most of the time, I feel like I’m just flopping around, splashing water into the floor, making a mess.

blogging sites

I see some steadiness in the amount of traffic, so I suspect some of you are just awesomely loyal readers and probably close friends who stop by often to see what crazy thing I’ve posted.  I am so thankful for you!

I know I’ve said it before, but this blogging thing is a big deal to me.  I started it after months and months of stewing and praying about whether I should even try.  I’ve blogged off and on for about 16 years, so it seemed like the natural thing for me to do…try to monetize the thing I am so passionate about.  I felt (and still feel, btw) that God was really nudging me in this direction and so, even though I didn’t feel completely ready, I took the plunge.  I plopped down what little was left from our tax refund and started this site.

Looking back, a month later now, I see many mistakes.  I think most of them are easily overcome though and not the kind that will break me or the blog.  I still don’t understand stupid AdSense or why my husband can get an account with them like snap that and me, with my two (now three!) google accounts, can’t get any of them approved.  I’m not sure I’m missing much though.  I’m learning that AdSense isn’t the end-all-be-all it has been purported to be, so I have pursued other means of generating income through my blog.

blogging for a living

Some of them I am pleased about, and some I will be glad when I can be done with.  And no, for the record, I haven’t made a single cent so far.  That really concerns me, but I have to remind myself how new it all is.  I can’t do it all at once and I need to be patient.

But BOY, is that hard!!

Today, when I went to look at a “blogging schedule” thingie I got from the web, for today it says to post about relaxing.   BAHAHAHA!!  What is that even?!?  I don’t have time right now to relax, and certainly not about the state of my blog.  Some of these ‘blog helps’ aren’t really geared toward me, ya know?  Many of the blogs in these groups are about how to create a successful website, how to find a niche to build, how to monetize and market whatever you are selling.

I just wanna share life with my readers.  I want to encourage and inspire.  I want my readers to leave feeling better than they did when they pulled up my site.  I want them to find the courage to go on, the determination to stick it out.  The comfort of knowing they are not alone, the peace of knowing someone else out here has been where they are.  I want the person with t1d to find a friend, someone to commiserate with and rejoice in whatever victories we accomplish as PWD’s.  (persons with diabetes)

diabetes and depression

I want the homeschooling mom to know she can do it and I know she can because I did it.  I want her to know that the great mistake she feels she’s made is not the end. That she and her children are far better off just because she tried to teach them at home, whether she continues or not.  And no matter what, as long as she is trying to do her very best for her kids, she is a winner!


I want that couple who is struggling with some sexual incompatibility or physical problem to know they are not alone.  I want them to realize it’s okay to talk about it and that there are people out here who can help, both professionals and people like me who have been there, done that.  I want that woman to know she’s not the first or only one to be facing what she is, and that she need not bury herself in depression and self-hatred or guilt because there is hope.  I want to keep her and her husband from living the hell that we did for 30 years and to find healing and hope!

lasting marriage statisticslasting marriage statistics

More than all this, I want people to know there is hope, no matter what the situation is, there is hope.  There is peace to be had, no matter how big the mess or how damaged their soul, Peace is there for the asking in the person of Jesus Christ.  I want them to know that it is because of Jesus that I am alive today.  That I’m able to share and talk about the issues, struggles and problems in my life.  Ultimately, I believe this is the reason God has been urging me to write.

jesus loves me

I haven’t touched my book in over 6 months, but perhaps soon I’ll dig back into it.  I still feel He is calling me to write it, but I’m at another crossroad about which direction to take with it.  (ANY feedback would be appreciated on this, folks!!)  The book has lived in my head for many years as a sort-of memoir, a story of my life and how I have dealt with diabetes, the depression and all the other physical and emotional side effects of having a chronic disease for so long.  However, as we have come to this place of healing in our marriage, I feel THAT is also a topic that needs to be shared.  It, of course, is much more personal, deeply painful but ultimately hopeful since our long journey through this has ended with our beginning the healing process.  My conundrum is should these be separate or combined?

how to write a book

You probably didn’t know this, but I have a problem with compartmentalizing.  ha ha! Meaning, I can’t do it.  You may have noticed I began this post talking about the blog and now, here I am asking for input and suggestions for a direction of a book!  I need help with my wandering mind, my rambling style of writing.

I know there are some writers out there who read here occasionally.  I also know there are lots of readers who come here too.  I want to hear from you!    What appeals to you in a book?  What topics are you most interested in?  What are you most interested in learning more about?  Help me out!

I look forward to a great discussion and some awesome feedback and suggestions!  Let’s help each other!



I wanna rock your world…

Ha ha… Well, maybe I do.

Maybe what I want it to touch you.  I want to let you peek into my inner self and hopefully make youRead More »

harder than I thought

So I have thought for years about writing a book.

There. I said it.
Actually, I really did say it out loud in a Bible study at my church several weeks ago. The leader asked us about what we’d do that we had thought about for a long time but just never done for lack of time or courage or whatever.

That was mine. So, after praying on it a bit, a very little bit, I just sat down and started writing. I had over 2000 words by the time I quit that day. After sort of hitting a wall, I quit for about a week and then started again and now there are almost 10,000 words and a lot of wondering, doubting and frustration.

The lady in that Bible study asked me details…she asked if I wanted to write a novel and if i had a title in mind. I answered no the first question and yes to the last.
impossible to possible
I’ve thought that a book about my life, the various medical situations and dealing with a chronic disease and depression might be interesting to some people and that it might help in some way.

Maybe you’ve figured out by now that I’m not really an ambitious person. I tried to be…back in “The Mary Kay Days”…I thought I could be a competitive sales woman. Yeah, I know…it was makeup and there have been MK ladies forever, yada yada.

I’m glad I tried that, but it definitely wasn’t for me. I feel like God probably used that time in my life to stretch me and show me some things about myself. I was so determined to be successful and it was hard and people would lie to you (not necessarily MK people, although some did, but potential customers and such) and I didn’t like the stress that made me feel. But that’s not actually why I quit, although it probably should have been. I had to get an unbelievably painful rash that made it impossible to wear clothes part of the time it hurt so bad. Then during all that, I developed a worse sensitivity to strong odors and chemical scents. Being all up in someone’s business while they are wearing perfume was no longer an option for me. I’ve spent the past year and a half dealing with all these new allergies and sensitivities, getting rid of chemicals in the house and all that. I really feel like that was God’s way of saying, “STOP” with MK. And ultimately, I had no choice.

One thing it did for me was make me have to set goals, which is something I had never done before. Honestly, other than small ‘to-do’ list type stuff, I’ve never set any grand goals in my life. I’d never really been encouraged to and I didn’t know how.

So like I said, this book thing has been in the back of my mind for probably fifteen years. It was like a joke I had with myself. I’d never told ANYONE about the idea because it seemed so ludicrous. So when I had to say it out loud, it kind of made it become a real possibility. I mean, I was sitting in a room with a doctor, a pharmacist, a teacher and writer, and several other women who had careers and families they were juggling. I felt so completely like the one thing that’s “not like the others…one of these things just doesn’t belong” (sorry, I had a Sesame Street flashback there) For me, doing this…
A list of my goals...yeah.
is terrifying. I become paralyzed and my mind goes blank.

But then I think wouldn’t it be encouraging for other people to know that life doesn’t have to end or be miserable when you have diabetes? Wouldn’t it help folks to know you can overcome the depression, even if it sometimes gets the best of you, you can still win? But there are many other things that have happened in my life and all those tend to work their way up through my story.

There’s the hurt and struggle of not being “the favored child” at home. The obvious preference given to my sister over me since we were children. There are the years, three or four of them, when my father’s preacher friend moved his family to our town and his son molested me repeatedly. And I never told anyone. Those are relatively minor things, I guess. I mean, in the big picture they are just a petty brushstroke, but they have made me what I am. They have shaped how I think and feel and how I see myself and others. I just imagine that finding out some of those things after years and years might be hard to take or hurtful.

Then there’s the act of actually putting into words the feelings, the hurt and wounds I carry. The reality of how my family will feel if they ever read my book. Thoughts like, “Do I leave out things that really matter because I might hurt someone’s feelings by telling how they hurt mine?” and “Do these things really even matter now?” go through my mind and now I’m once again stuck.
Should I be the bear or the bunny?
Fear speaks loudly in my mind… like I’m just wasting my time, why would anyone care about what I have to say? Even if I finished the book and by some miracle it was published, what kind of mess would it create with my family if they read it? Is telling MY story worth possibly hurting someone I care about?
Well, no, of course not. But then I think, Should I omit things because someone else might potentially have hurt feelings? Even when it’s true? Even when I’ve actually toned the whole thing down a lot already? When I’ve left out details that would make it sound a lot worse to others?
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
Argh! I drive myself crazy with these things!

I’m not sure what I will end up doing. I will keep working on the draft when the mood hits me, I guess, and see how the Lord leads me. He will have to direct me because I am completely stumped. I feel like the book could be so much more than just “how I live with diabetes and depression”…I want it to show the hope that I have in Jesus and to relate how it is ONLY by my faith in Him that I’ve made it this far. I want the book to reflect the life He offers, the peace He gives…but I feel like getting to that “chapter” is oh-so messy.

I just don’t want this to be true of me….
Indecision destroys dreams.

So about that logging… (& some history)

So far, I’m kind of sucking at it.

Actually I have been writing some things in another document, fairly abbreviated, (but probably not abbreviated enough) for my therapist because I didn’t figure she wanted to read through my actual blog posts to try to figure out how I was feeling during the day and when. So I’m trying to sort out how to do this because I don’t want to let the blog go.  I think it’s been good for me to get back into expressing myself this way.

Back in the day when I had a really active blog, writing posts about various things was really good therapy.  Like I told my therapist I was all big-time.  I had my own domain name, designed the graphics for my headers and wrote a lot of code actually.  That was back in the day when my brain cells were a lot more effective than they are now.

Back then, I wrote a lot of funny posts –just my crazy take on things and silly stories from my life and homeschooling the kids.  I enjoyed being able to make people laugh and playing with words and explaining things in my own unique way, I guess.  I probably did this for maybe five years and after a while it got to where I just couldn’t put my thoughts together as well anymore.  It became a struggle to get a post together that I was satisfied with so I just let the blog go. I let my domain name go and I just stop blogging altogether for quite a while.

Over the years, I tried to start back… using sites like Blogger and WordPress, but I could never get “my groove” back it seemed.  It was frustrating and disappointing.

I think my need to write my feelings down comes from the fact that I have a hard time verbalizing them.  As a kid, whenever there was something my parents needed to “have a talk” with me about, it usually consisted of them talking (preaching, criticizing, chastizing) to me and me sitting there in tears.  Mom especially would bemoan the fact that I never talked, never expressed any opinions or thoughts to them in these “sessions”.  The reason why is that once in the past, I HAD actually spoken and told them how I felt only to be told I “didn’t need” to feel that way or I “shouldn’t” think like that.  So my thoughts and opinions were negated and I never again expressed myself to them.

As a teenager, I used to keep notebooks, diaries or journals, whatever…I had several of them full of my thoughts, worries and dreams…mostly thoughts and worries.  Honestly, I never wrote much about dreams.  I just don’t recall ever having a whole lot of them or at least never really fleshing them out.  But one day my mother went searching and found them.  She let loose on me and all heck broke loose.

I took them outside and burned them all and stopped writing.  It seemed, for several years, I had no outlet at all for my feelings.  Looking at it now, it was really an awful time in my life, but I don’t recall getting “in the dark hole” over it.  Perhaps because I did usually have some boy in my life to consume my time.  I say that like I had a new one every week (HA HA!)  but I promise you it wasn’t like that.  It’s just that there was always someone, either a flirtation or a steady, who occupied my time and thoughts, so I guess I didn’t have time to sink into a hole over not being able to get my feelings out, ya know?

So now, writing my feelings is much easier.  Mostly because if I cry while writing, it doesn’t interrupt the expression as bad as if I am trying to say  how I feel while bawling.  That seems to mess things up entirely.  That’s why I have often written letters to Tommy or other people in my family.  Tommy is about the only one I ever actually GAVE the letters to, and then he would be blindsided by all my emotion pouring out because I had had time to think and sort them when he had no clue what was going through my mind.  (I did  NOT always realize this, however, so it made for some tense arguments when he didn’t response “appropriately”  *sigh*)  And honestly, part of the problem with all the letters to Tommy was the simple fact that he DIDN’T have a clue.  But that’s a whole ‘nother post.  *grin*

Anyhow, I’m slowly getting better, more acclimated or re-acclimated, to writing about how I’m feeling, what I’m thinking.

If I can just figure out how to balance the whole logging stuff for the therapist and blogging, I’ll be doing great.  Maybe I can just give her the web address for my blog?  I don’t even know if she would be interested in that or if it would help her in any way.

I’ve found that I’m not always as clear as I should be.  For instance, we had been talking for quite awhile about all the stuff I told you about here, and then later, I mentioned the pain in my shoulders and neck.  She was like, “So you’re having pain too?!?” saying how that can worsen depression as well and I was like DUH! why didn’t I think of that!?!??  It’s so much a part of my life, I don’t think about how it affects me, ya know?  So maybe in reading this stuff, she might sort out or pick up on some things that I don’t get out while I’m talking with her.  I dunno, but I’ll ask her about doing that next time.

I sorta thought about just copying my notes here, but you (all one or two of you that ever read this!  ha ha!) would die.  They are very choppy and poorly constructed…not even sentences sometimes.  I dunno if my therapist will even be able to use them!  *gasp*

She mainly wants to be able to look at how I am feeling day to day AND if there is a pattern in what time of day I’m feeling better or worse.  That will help if they need to change how I’m taking my meds or if I need to do something different.  It makes sense, I just can’t make sense of how best to do that.

Always complicated with me….I think it’s part of how making decisions is harder for me while I’m depressed.  Honestly, it’s a thing!  And something as simple as deciding how to log my moods is becoming a stressor!  I will figure it out, I mean, it’s not major, but it is a thing.  Always a thing.  Ha.

So, just for the record, I have been waking up feeling a little less groggy…not sleeping nearly as much during the day (not at all the past couple days because I’ve had appointments) but not being super energetic either.  I would SO love to feel energetic!!  Another thing.. the past couple days I have gone to bed before 11 pm, which is a BIG step for me.  I had been staying up til at least midnight.  And I’ve gotten up by 9 am (except for one day) every morning since Monday.  I will take that.  Any improvement is better than none, right?  My biggest thing is that I don’t get up right away.  I’ll wake up, look at my phone for awhile.  Sometimes either mom or the hubby will call me during that time, so I’ll talk with them.  But I am trying to make sure I’m getting my meds in before 10 am.  Maybe that’ll be good enough.

I have some stuff to report about my visit to the GP last Tuesday too, but I’ll save that for another post.

Okie doke… gotta get up and move.  My neck is KILLING me!!  If you read this, pray for me when you think of it.  I don’t share this blog just because I’m using it to work through so much personal stuff, but for the minuscule few of you that do read here, I appreciate you.  PLEASE leave me comments??  I’d appreciate that too.

This scripture came to mind when I think about my thoughts and feelings not being “acceptable” to my family… *sigh*

Genesis 37:8 — “His brothers said to him, “Are you indeed to reign over us? Or are you indeed to rule over us?” So they hated him even more for his dreams and for his words.”